“Don’t ask why people keep hurting you. Ask yourself why are you allowing it to happen.” ― Robert Tew

As a divorce professional, many people believe that means I’m a divorce advocate. That couldn’t be a bigger load of BS. I believe in reminding clients of their strength and wisdom. Often, that makes an incredible difference in their satisfaction with their own lives and causes significant shifts in their marriages.

So, when I can use my skills and training to potentially save a client’s marriage?

Sign me up for that. Every. Single. Time.

I’ve heard so many heartbreaking stories about how miserable and unfulfilled men and women are in their marriages. As a coach, friend and church staff member, I’ve had the opportunity to spend thousands of hours listening to stories of love gone wrong.  Sometimes so wrong it’s hard to believe that someone who once professed their love could be capable of it. Read more here about how your lizard brain can make you act crazy.

So, how do I answer when they ask “is divorce the answer?” I tell them only they can answer that question. But I also know that the right help can clear away the fog and find out if there is something underneath worth fighting for.

Divorce isn’t always the answer and it’s never the easy answer, but sometimes it is the right answer.

Is Divorce the Answer? Questions to Consider:

Your relationship and your problems are unique. But, there are some key indicators I talk about with my clients that can tell us if your marriage might still have some life left in it:

• Are you dealing with any of the Big 4 – infidelity, addiction, abuse or neglect?
• Are there deal breakers that you don’t think you can get past?
• Do you still enjoy your spouse’s company (when you’re not arguing or ignoring each other)?
• What have you done so far to remedy things?
• Is your spouse unhappy?
• How’s your sex life?
• What do you do to care for yourself as an individual?
• How do you handle it when your partner disappoints you or hurts you?
• Are you able to clearly identify the changes you need to see?

After you think through these questions, consider if there are still changes you can make or outside help you can get that could make a difference. Have you healed your past, dropped your own baggage and done your own work? If not, maybe that’s worth exploring first. If you are dealing with any one the big 4, seek out some very specialized help from an expert if you want to take one last run at it. Are you open to considering a therapeutic separation? Not sure what that is? Read more here.

So, is divorce the answer for you? If you’re not sure yet, relax. I understand what a huge decision this is. Read on for more help.

What to Look For:

Sometimes, it’s the failure to show up as our authentic selves that begins the downslide. When we decide to stay quiet and “not rock the boat” over and over again, that resentment builds. That resentment doesn’t go away, but shows up in other ways like irritability, depression, decreased interest in sex, passive-aggressiveness and distance. Over time, these create incredible damage. The friendship foundation crumbles and when you don’t really like your partner (or yourself), it’s hard to remember that loving feeling.

These are the 6 areas that must be in place for a successful marriage:

• Friendship
• Freedom*
• Honesty
• Trust*
• Understanding
• Communication

If you had to rate you marriage on a scale of 1 to 10 on each of these, how would you score? Out of a perfect 60, anything less than 40 should be getting immediate attention. And if you scored your relationship below an 8/9 on freedom or trust, you have some serious thinking to do. The others can be improved with counseling and care, but without freedom and trust, do you have a partnership or do you have an arrangement?

A quick note on infidelity…

I know you may have read all those articles where people claim their marriages are stronger than ever after an affair. Good for them. My experience is that few cheaters are truly willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship. Check out this post I wrote if you are thinking of staying once you’ve been cheated on.

Click here for a post on why I think most traditional marriage counseling doesn’t work in these cases. In the meantime, check out the book Worthy of Her Trust: What You Need to Do to Rebuild Sexual Integrity and Win Her Back by Stephen Arterburn and Jason Martinkus. If your partner (male or female) is willing to follow their advice to rebuild trust in the marriage, then you may have hope. Be forewarned – it takes 3-5 years of hard work before you get a glimpse of the rainbow after that storm. I know couples that have been through this and it gets very rocky in the middle, but a very few have made it through.

The Bottom Line:

It is always your responsibility to do your own work and communicate your needs to your partner in a direct and honest way. Maybe you need to find support, a coach like me 🙂 or a therapist,  who can help you speak up in a productive way to see if that changes things. If you know that you’ve done your part, then ask yourself this question:

If I’ve told my spouse over and over again about what I need to feel loved and safe and they aren’t willing to provide it, what does that tell me?

I don’t know what it tells you, but it tells me that respect is missing from the relationship. And without respect, do you really have a foundation to work from? It’s time to look deep and decide if you can live this way for another 10 – 20 – 30 years. Or decide that it’s time to start planning your departure.

Sometimes the right answer for you is WAIT. There may be reasons you need to stay for now, but you can begin working on your exit plan – that may include getting training or education, setting up accounts, establishing savings, copying files, etc… But knowing you have made some sort of decision and are working toward a goal is much more empowering than living in misery feeling helpless.

Important Note: Leaving well and safely requires planning – please do not just make an announcement to your spouse. Read more here about why a divorce exit strategy is crucial.

So, is divorce the answer for you? Only you can decide that for yourself because only you have to live with the consequences of your decision.

Need More Help?

It’s what I do. Schedule a Complimentary 30-Minute Consultation and let’s chat. I can learn what you’re struggling with and find out if  Stay, Wait or Go Coaching might be right for you. Just below to get direct access to my calendar and choose a time that works for you. Is divorce the answer? Let’s find out together.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

Wishing you strength and wisdom,