Is Marriage Counseling Still Worth a Try?
Your marriage feels like it’s close to the end. You’re thinking about divorce. Maybe you’ve even talked to a lawyer. So, is marriage counseling worth a try at this late stage?
Maybe, maybe not. You have to have the right expectations, the right attitude and the right therapist to come back from the brink of divorce.
Is Your Heart In It?
This may sound like a silly question, but it’s honestly really important. If both you and your spouse are not fully committed to the counseling and working on the problems, then you’re spinning your wheels. Are you willing to go all in for a short time, say 3-6 months, after which you will check in and re-evaluate? If either of you is already checked out or is wishy-washy about this, then save your cash for a divorce attorney.
What’s the Problem?
Are you able to identify what the main problem or problems are in your relationship? Yes, a good counselor can help you dig down and get to that, but if all you can articulate is “I hate his guts”, then you don’t have a lot to work with. Is it finances or parenting? Do you feel neglected or taken for granted? Do you have different sex drives? Does one of you always load the dishwasher wrong? What exactly is it that is causing the conflict to be so bad and so constant that you are considering ending the marriage?
Here’s another post I wrote on deciding if divorce is the answer.
Will Marriage Counseling Work?
Why do I believe most traditional marriage counseling is a waste of time and money? Because in most instances, your partner doesn’t need to learn how to communicate better, they need to BEHAVE better (John Gottman).
Does your partner really need to be told that:
- Watching porn or flirting with people online, at a bar or at the office disrespects your marriage?
- Ignoring you when you’re talking to them is wrong?
- Lying or hiding things from you causes problems?
- Making large financial decisions should be shared decision?
- Undermining your parenting makes kids confused and feel unsafe?
Are any of these issues a result of communication problems? Hell no! They are respect problems and behavior problems.
If you go to a marriage counselor and all you do is work on communication exercises, you will get nowhere. If you find the rare unicorn therapist who will call you and your spouse out on their bullshit behavior and you make changes – then you might actually have a chance to remedy things.
Better Communication? Really?
I know…experts tell us that using reflective listening and “I feel” statements will cause everything to be magically better, but I want to be real here.
You’ve been in a miserable situation for what, 5 years? 10 years? Even longer?
And now, all of a sudden by saying “Honey, when you come home from work and just watch tv while I am helping our 5 children with homework, cooking dinner, folding laundry and calling Johnny’s doctor about his 104 degree fever, I feel as if you only care about your job and not about pitching in to support the family”…
Hocus Pocus. Your spouse is going to turn off the tv, jump up and say “Oh, wow sweetheart. I had no idea that’s how you felt. Please forgive me. What can I do to help?”
Bull. No matter how you package that, he will see it as a complaint, a nag, an assault on his character – because otherwise, he would have been helping all along. A spouse who cares and is attuned to you and your needs would see that – or would at least ask. Fancy wordsmithing is not going to make them receive the message any differently.
By the way, I do understand that I’ve used gender stereotypes in this example. I could have provided plenty of scenarios where the script was flipped. But I chose this because the imbalance of emotional labor in most relationships is crushing for women. Feminist rant concluded.
What Does Help?
Commitment and accountability.
Rule #1: It’s you and your partner against the problem – not you against your partner.
Rule #2: Unwavering honesty. Don’t say what you think your partner wants to hear and don’t agree to things that hurt or irritate your soul. Be truthful about what you have done in the past and what you are feeling. 100%.
Once you’ve found the right therapist, do the work. You will be asked to do things that are hard. Do them anyway. It will take extra time out of your already busy life. Do it anyway. Don’t make excuses for not doing the work.
If you half-ass the work, you’ll get a half-ass result.
And finally, don’t get caught in the trap of family of origin crap. They can work that out on their own time with their own therapist. The fact that mom was mean or dad didn’t play with them is heartbreaking, but you are not responsible for sorting through that or fixing it.
Once your marriage is on life support, I do not give a rat’s ass what happened in your childhood. You don’t have time to untangle that before your marriage clock runs out. Explore that on your own. If you want to save your marriage, agree on what needs to change and fix the behavior.
If you’ve been cheated on and are thinking about staying, please read this first.
Rebuilding trust after betrayal is WORK. It is 3-5 years of work. If you are going to couples counseling in this case, please keep this rule in mind.
Blatant before latent.
What do I mean by that? You absolutely must address the hurt and pain caused by the cheating in your therapy first. It is unfair to you as a betrayed spouse to be expected to sit in marriage counseling and listen to your cheater husband talk about what behavior you need to change. If he hasn’t demonstrated remorse and accepted responsibility, then this will only feel like blaming you for his cheating. Process the cheating first. Get that healing underway. Then and only then, begin work on the underlying marriage issues.
I wrote this post specifically for you if you’ve been a victim of cheating and are thinking about staying.
So is marriage counseling worth a try? If you’re both all in and you find a good therapist, you can absolutely work miracles.
Still not sure? Check out the Work with Me page to find out more about Stay, Wait or Go Coaching or online small group coaching just for women.
Need More Help?
Choosing whether to Stay or Go is brutal. You are a loving human with a heart, so you want to do everything you can before you make the choice to divorced. I get that. If you’d like more personalized help, schedule a Complimentary Consultation and let’s chat. Just click below for direct access to my calendar.
Wishing you strength and wisdom,
