Thinking About Staying With a Cheater? Read This First

Thinking About Staying With a Cheater? Read This First

What you must know if you’re thinking about staying with a cheater.

If you have been cheated on, let me first say how sorry I am. Whether it’s porn, an emotional affair, online relationships, hookups or a long term affair, the intimate betrayal of trust that you have experienced leaves wounds and scars that will take years to heal.

I am not going to argue here if watching pornography or sexting really constitute infidelity. I firmly and with passion believe that if your spouse hid it because they knew you would be hurt by it, it’s cheating. Pure and simple. Someone else doesn’t get to define what constitutes betrayal to you.

Before you just run off for some plain old marriage counseling, please keep reading so you know what you’re up against and check out this post on marriage counseling first (spoiler alert: couples counseling isn’t recommended).

Get FREE Resources

Betrayal Trauma

Study after study has proven that betrayal trauma leaves the victim (that’s you) with many of the symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) such as :

Repeated intrusive thoughts.
Unstable emotional regulation.
Out of body experiences.
Alternating between feeling numb and striking out in retaliation.
Inability to stop scanning for any new data that might cause more distress.
Feeling overwhelmingly powerlessness and broken.
Needing to regain self-worth by assigning blame.
Confusion and disorientation.

And even more trauma is triggered when the pain is minimized or overlooked (e.g. It’s just pornography, what’s the big deal? or It was only one night and I was drunk.). Betrayal trauma is a deeply shattering experience. Many symptoms arise immediately after a betrayal trauma, while other symptoms can begin months or even years later. In one survey, more than 33% of respondents reported having continued symptoms more than 5 years after the discovery of the betrayal.

Why is it important to understand this? Because not only are you sad, hurt, pissed, ashamed, enraged, etc… at the spouse that you are considering taking back, but you are suffering yourself with some pretty wicked fallout.

The Long Road Ahead

Have you heard the stories of couples who swear their marriages are infinitely better and oh so much stronger since the affairs? It does happen. But it is grueling work and as the betrayed partner, you need to be 100% sure that you have your eyes wide open and know what to expect.

It takes an average of 3-5 years for a relationship to get back on stable ground after betrayal.

Are you up for that? It’s not a quick fix this rebuilding of trust.

The path to reconciliation requires honesty, humility and amends from the cheater if the relationship has a chance to survive. Don’t be taken in by the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you have invested years of sweat equity in this relationship doesn’t mean that you should continue to flog yourself if you have an unrepentant cheater on your hands.

Note: Yes, I am unapologetically using the word cheater here. I refuse to settle for wayward or unfaithful spouse, adulterer or any other term that makes the act of betrayal seem more palatable. I will not participate in any narrative that implies cheating was a mistake or places one iota of blame on the other spouse or the state of the marriage. Now, on with the show…

Serial Cheater or Sex Addict

Regardless of whether you call them a serial cheater or sex addict, I urge you to find a trauma sensitive therapist who is trained to support you. Standard counselors are not equipped to help you process and heal from this kind of betrayal – and they can actually cause you additional hurt.

No matter the case, one affair or many, porn or prostitutes, the work that is required on the part of the cheater to mend your relationship is not for the weak or the weary. It will be a hard-fought battle to win back your heart and your trust. The best resource I have found if your spouse really wants to make a change and fight for your marriage is the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla. He is leading the charge to understand the link between deceptive sexual behaviors and the trauma they cause to you.

Here are a few more posts that you might find helpful:

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

It is possible to love someone and leave them where they are. In other words, please understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

Forgive: to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve

Reconcile: to restore; to bring into agreement or harmony

To forgive is to drop your claim against someone. You no longer harbor revenge fantasies or hope for the bad karma fairy to visit them. It is a complete release of resentment. Don’t allow anyone to rush you into premature forgiveness because it isn’t real and won’t last. It takes time. And if and when you do choose to forgive, do it only for yourself. For the peace it will allow into your life. Not because you feel pressured.

Reconciliation is a whole different beast. It is forgiveness on steroids. This is “I have forgiven you” PLUS “I choose to trust you again with my heart”. No cheater deserves reconciliation – not one. And if yours thinks he/she is entitled to it, run away. But if they are humble, honest and doing the work, you may decide it’s worth the risk.

But know the difference and know it is OK to forgive and choose not to reconcile. Everyone deserves forgiveness, not everyone is worthy of trust.

Still Want to Give it a Go?

I urge you to join a support group of other women somewhere, whether in person or online. There are plenty. If your counselor doesn’t have one, google away. You’ll find one. You need other people to talk to that are NOT YOUR SPOUSE. But a word of caution – beware of two types of groups: 1) those that imply you are codependent or played any role in your partner’s choices and 2) those that simply keep you talking about your injuries rather than your healing.

You need an accountability partner or two or ten that will help you see your reality clearly. Because you need people who have been through it to call you out on your BS when you make excuses for your partner not doing their work or keeping their word. And will keep you on the path of your own recovery – whether or not he does the work.

Above all, you do not want to spend your precious time making more regrets or causing yourself more trauma. Don’t ignore red flags or lie to yourself about the truth of your marriage.

Need More Help?

I get it. This is a tough decision. You don’t want to give up on the person you love (and certainly the parent of your children) and yet you can’t bear the thought of being this hurt again.

Let’s talk it through. I help clients get crystal clear about what they deserve, what to expect and help them decide what they can and can’t live with. Schedule a Complimentary Consultation and let’s chat about where you’re struggling and how I might help. There’s no obligation – just a chance to see if an outside perspective could give you some much needed clarity. Click here to get direct access to my calendar.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

Wishing you strength and wisdom,