It’s so common and so heartbreaking. The number of clients that tell me they feel lonely in their marriages. If you feel married and alone, there may be something lurking that you’re not aware of.

Everyone brings their own baggage into marriage. Crap from childhood and previous relationships. But if you’re feeling married and alone, your spouse may have brought along an extra suitcase of intimacy issues. And those could be stopping them from being able to be close to you.

Nearly always, intimacy avoidant adults have suffered chronic attachment trauma during childhood via repeated physical neglect, psychosocial neglect (emotional and cognitive unavailability), emotional abuse, physical abuse, and/or sexual abuse (overt or covert) perpetrated by parents, siblings, or other relatives.  – Robert Weiss, MSW

I am not a psychologist or specialist in attachment theory (although I have had enough counseling that I should have qualified for something by now). I have, however, witnessed over and over again the devastating impact of intimacy disorders.

The Silent Killer

Anytime a marriage ends, it’s devastating. But we’re able to make some sense out of it when the marriage blows up as a result of alcoholism, cheating, sexual addiction, or some other life crisis.

Ah, but when the problem is intimacy anorexia it may not be recognizable for quite a while. Everything looks so good on the outside.

This couple is working, raising their family, coaching little league, driving the carpool, serving on the PTO, in the Optimist Club and in their church.

But at home, this marriage is an empty shell. This couple doesn’t connect emotionally, doesn’t have conversations beyond household logistics, often hasn’t had sex in years and physical affection of any sort is rare.

Is this ringing a bell with you?

This couple may have tried marriage counseling, but cut it short or didn’t see it through with any lasting change. They continue living like roommates, hoping the marriage magically gets better, but it gets worse. Because they don’t understand the real problem, the cancer spreads and does further damage to the special bond they once loved.

This disease, when allowed to continue unchecked, can cause a marriage to crumble from the inside. And neither partner may understand exactly what happened. They know it’s too damaged to be repaired now, but they don’t know why.

Married And Alone May = Intimacy Anorexia

According to Dr. Doug Weiss, there are ten characteristics of intimacy anorexia.

1.  Busy:  staying so busy that they have little time for their partner.

2.  Blame:  blaming their partner for the problems in the marriage.

3.  Withholding Love:  actively withholding love the way the partner likes to be loved.

4.  Withholding Praise:  not regularly praising their spouse privately.

5.  Withholding Sex:  withholding sex from their partner or withholding intimacy during sex.

6.  Withholding Spiritually:  may be religious by attending church or being a leader at church, but at home they rarely pray with their partner or read the Bible together.

7.  Feelings:  unwilling or unable to share their feelings with their partner.

8.  Criticism:  ongoing or ungrounded criticism toward their partner.

9.  Anger/Silence:  using anger or silence to control their partner.

10.  Money:  using money to control or punish the partner (least common, but extremely harmful when present).

If you’re feeling married and alone, you can take Dr. Weiss’ online test to find out if this is something that might be going on in your marriage.

So Now What?

If you’re sitting (or standing) now and screaming YES!!! This sounds just like my relationship!!! Know that there is hope.

Intimacy anorexia is at it’s core, an addiction. And that’s good news, because that means it’s treatable IF your partner is willing to work together with you to battle it. Check out these resources to get started.

• Dr. Doug Weiss – Heart to Heart Counseling Center
• Intimacy Anorexia – Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage
• Dr. Janice Caudill – Licensed Psychologist, CSAT

Intimacy issues run deep. And if your partner is struggling with intimacy anorexia, this may not be the only battle you’re fighting. As you learn about this disease, you will find that it’s not uncommon for IA’s to also have issues with porn, infidelity, alcohol, or other ways of trying to handle their hurt.

Again, I am not a therapist and don’t pretend to be. But I do want you to know what you might be up against.

If you know your partner has cheated, check out this post.

If you’re feeling married and alone, counseling can be a great option. Having an objective third party to help your work through the tough issues and hold you accountable to change. Check this post to be sure you’re going in eyes wide open and not causing more damage to an already hurting relationship.

Need More Help?

Not sure how to approach your partner about this sensitive topic? Or you’ve tried and you’re just not sure you can stay in a relationship where your needs are not going to be met? Hey, this is hard stuff. And I get that you want to save your marriage. I want that for you too.

Check out the Work with Me page for more about Stay, Wait or Go Coaching or small group online coaching just for women.

Or, I’d love to chat and see how I can help. Schedule a complementary discovery session and find out how I work with clients to help them sort through these hard decisions.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

Wishing you strength and wisdom,