friend thinking about divorce

How to Help a Friend Thinking About Divorce: Show Up and Listen

Conflict / Divorce Coaching / Stay, Wait or Go

It’s hard to know what to do and how to be supportive when you have a friend thinking about divorce.

First of all, most people agonize for years before they make the life altering decision to divorce. If your friend is having marriage trouble and wrestling with the question of whether they should continue to stay or if it’s time to go, they are in a space that requires a tender touch.

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.
― Rachel Naomi Remen

Right now it doesn’t matter if you think your friend’s partner is the biggest d-bag on the face of the earth. Or if you think your friend is being a complete and utter jerk. What matters is your ability to help them get through it.

Here are some of the best ways you can support your hurting friend thinking about divorce.

Listen and Hold Space

The important thing your friend needs right now is a safe space to process their feelings. Not someone to solve their problems or offer platitudes. They need a non-judgmental soul to simply sit with them and listen. Listen to them share their fears, anger, disappointments, guilt, loneliness, loss of self, sense of failure, and so on. This is a sacred time where you can honor you friendship – this is an opportunity to appreciate the emotional side of your friend that they may not show very often.

Validate that what they are feeling is normal and that they have every right to feel that way. Affirm them for being courageous enough to ask the hard questions. For considering that they deserve more and for their dedication to making every effort to salvage their relationship. A friend thinking about divorce is a friend who is in pain – acknowledge their bravery for stepping into that.

Note: Be alert for signs and symptoms of domestic violence such as personality changes, limited access to money, frequently missing events without explanation or at the last minute, mentions of their partner’s temper, jealousy or possessiveness.  If you hear those, please read this.

Help Them Self-Discover

This is not the time to offer advice, express your opinion or bad mouth their partner. Your friend is not a fix-it project. They are, however, a human that needs to feel their human feelings in order to move ahead.

First, you serve them best by asking the kind of questions that will help them dive deep into what they need. When you are doing deep listening, you can ask responsive questions. What else? Tell me more about that?  What would that look like? What is the challenge/opportunity there? How does that sit with you? What part of that would you like to explore?

Next, the goal is to assist them in self discovering the path that is right for them. Only they can make that choice. One of the principles of good coaching is to be neutral as to the outcome and yet use our skills and training to give the client access to their own inner wisdom and resilience.

Find the Right Team & Resources

After deep listening and questioning, does it seem like your friend would benefit from consulting with professionals to get answers or clarity on some particular questions or issues? Ask your friend if it’s a lack of information in some area that’s holding them back from being able to make a decision?

Are they afraid they won’t be able to support themselves? Perhaps you can look for information on your state’s divorce laws, child support and/or spousal support guidelines.  Can you do some legwork to help them find the right resources? Maybe it’s a personal or couples therapist, a divorce coach, attorney, realtor or financial planner. Google, read reviews, ask your friends and co-workers, check who takes their insurance, find out how much things cost.

Here are just a few resources that might be helpful to find just what your friend thinking about divorce needs to take the next step:

Remind Them They are Strong and Worthy

Often, when someone has endured years of toxic marriage, they have allowed themselves to become smaller and their voices to become weaker. Maybe they stopped trying to resolve arguments in order to maintain the status quo. Or they gave up things and people they loved because it required too much energy to stand up for themselves. Or they dedicated themselves to raising children and managing the family and lost their identity and financial security.

Having listened to your friend, are there things you heard that indicate they beating themselves up or putting themselves down? How long have you known this friend? Are you able to remember times before or earlier in the marriage when they felt happier and stronger? What was different then? If they are a relatively new friend, use your listening and questioning to help them dive into discovering their own resilience and strengths.

Likewise, have you heard a number of concerning statements that their spouse is not meeting them halfway or willing to work on the issues in the marriage? Pick a particular statement and ask how they might respond to a friend or a child that told them that story about their marriage. Would they advise their own friend or son/daughter to allow themselves to continue to be treated that way? Can you help them brainstorm some assertive ways to ask for what they need? Or to recognize that they have asked and their partner has repeatedly chosen not to meet their needs?

Be a Helper

If they are feeling sad, depressed anxious or overwhelmed, help them understand the importance of taking care of themselves. Ask how they’re sleeping and eating. Offer to go for a walk, a pedicure or a round of golf. Invite them to a movie, a night out or a concert. Ask them to go to church, temple or synagogue with you. Certainly, take them wine, beer, chocolate and ice cream.

And be a practical helper. Cook a meal, babysit, pick up groceries, take their dog to the vet or give the kids a ride to practice. You could also help them gather financial documents or work on a budget.

And the #1 Way to Help a Friend Thinking About Divorce?

Stay connected. Let them know that you are available. Check in when you haven’t heard from them in a while.

The number one thing my clients tell me they experience when going through this is that they feel alone. And feeling alone makes everything scarier. Give them the gift of your presence. A friend thinking about divorce is questioning themselves and almost every decision they’ve made.

Finally, this is a dark, hard and messy point in your friend’s life journey. Be the one that sticks around. Who doesn’t shy away because it’s difficult and uncomfortable. Bring your flashlight for when they are ready to start making their way out of the tunnel. But for now, sit in the dark with them for as long as it takes for them to see the light again.

More Help for Your Friend

I offer a free, 30-minute Discovery Session so hurting people can reach out without risk. We explore a little about what they are struggling with and see if coaching might be a good fit. Forward this post or a link to my website so they can check out all the resources and schedule a session.

Maybe my Stay, Wait or Go Coaching Program, specifically designed to help get clarity about this hard choice, is just what they need to get unstuck. Click here to learn more and consider purchasing this package for them as a gift. You’ll receive a code that they can use to schedule the sessions themselves. For a friend thinking about divorce, this may be the lifeline they need.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

Wishing you strength and wisdom,

 

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