People drinking divorce poison make great reality TV, but in real life it turns a difficult process toxic.

We’ve all heard them. The horror stories about couples behaving badly. Whether it’s destroying property, putting kids in the middle, revenge porn or just fighting to the death over something.

One divorcing couple spent $50,000 in legal fees arguing over who got the set of crystal. One client spent $2500 to fight for a $500 toolbox. Another news story reported that a man spent thousands to fight for custody of the dog and then put it to sleep when he won!? That is crazy in action.

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. – St Augustine

The vast majority of clients I meet truly want their divorce to be equitable, speedy, and not break the bank. Rare is the person who starts off with a scorched earth policy in mind.

So, what happens to make people start drinking divorce poison and behave this way? And what can you do to make sure it doesn’t happen to you?

Disclaimer: There are a minority of true personality disordered folks out there who get off on making trouble and seeing others suffer. If you are divorcing one of these charmers, I’m so sorry. Please get an attorney who has lots of experience with these high conflict types.

How To Keep It Non-Toxic?

1. Use the Pause

Divorce is an emotional time. If you weren’t prepared for divorce or found other surprises like cheating, then you’ve got some righteous anger on your hands. You deserve to be pissed off. It’s easy to start drinking divorce poison by the gallon. But if your lizard brain stays in control for too long, bad things can happen (read more here).

If your anger is getting the best of you, don’t underestimate the power of the pause. Breathe deeply while counting to ten (or one hundred if you need it). It’s scientifically proven to calm you down. Then repeat after me, “He/she is not the boss of me. I have a better chance of getting what I need if I am calm and in control.” And again, “He/she is not the boss of me. I have a better chance of getting what I need if I am calm and in control.”

Communicate with your spouse only in writing until things settle down. Keep all interactions brief and factual. Stay off social media.

Choose a few safe people (your coach, therapist, friends, family) and process your emotions with them. Everyone else can get the scripted version that you have prepared in advance. Yes, it really helps to have a statement ready for when you run into that person at the grocery store who asks “How’s Fred?” or “I heard you guys are splitting up”.

Coach Tip: Try the “On the Stand” Rule. If you wouldn’t want to hear something read aloud in court, then don’t text, email, say it or post it.

2. Captain Your Own Ship

This is your divorce and you are the only one who has to live with the outcome.

Don’t listen to other people’s stories about how they got fuc%ed over in their divorce. That was their story, but it’s not yours. You get to choose how this goes for you.

Take control and make your own choices. Begin by assembling your team. Your coach, attorney, financial planner and others will help you get prepared and gather the information you need.  Then you will make the best choices you can for yourself. By knowing what you want and what you need, you will be able to confidently negotiate a settlement you can live with.

Marriage is 50/50 (actually it’s 100/100, but that’s another post) and that is how the law sees it when it comes to dividing up assets in divorce. Don’t get caught up on expecting a wrongdoer to be punished financially – some version of no-fault divorce is in effect in all states. Unless there is something grievous and outrageous, drinking divorce poison and trying to punish your spouse will  likely cost you more in legal fees than you will recoup.

95% of divorce cases settle without ever going to trial, so be smart about how you spend your money, your time and your emotional resources.

Coach Tip: Next time you’re in the car, remember that you are the director and decider of all things. What route you take, how fast you go, and whether you are aggressive or not. Same goes for your divorce. You are in the driver’s seat, so take control.

3. Fill Up Your Own Tank

Listen, divorce is going to suck for a while. You are grieving the loss of something you thought would last a lifetime, you are splitting up furniture and china and retirement accounts. And you’re figuring out how to live on less.

It’s going to take some radical self-care to have enough strength for the journey and beyond. Make sure you are taking care of yourself as often as possible. Here are a few idea, but customize them for yourself.

• Physical – healthy food, exercise, and sleep
• Spiritual – meditation, devotions, nature, and art
• Emotional – connection, laughter, and music
• Financial – budget, career, and insurance

Although it’s tempting to run and find a new love to make it all better, that will only numb things temporarily. Go through this process on your own and wait to date. Explore local MeetUps, take that painting class, or finally sign up to volunteer at the animal shelter. Taking the time to heal and grow stronger will make you that much more ready for an amazing relationship in the future.

Spend time with the people who pour into you and avoid those who only want to dish the dirt about your soon-to-be ex. Drinking divorce poison with friends doesn’t make it any less harmful.

Coach Tip: Consider a bullet journal to track your self-care and how it affects your mood and energy. You might be surprised. Brainstorm a list of 40-50 of your favorite self-care activities so you have a go-to list ready when you need a pick-me-up. Here’s a post with lots of pretty ideas.

Need Help to Avoid Drinking Divorce Poison?

I get it. It’s scary, overwhelming and really damn hard to take the high road. That’s exactly why I do what I do. Support and guide people who are going through it so they can avoid drinking divorce poison and have a saner experience.

Check around the site for more information, sign up for the newsletter, or better yet…Schedule a Complimentary Consultation and we can chat in person about where you’re struggling and how divorce coaching might help. Just click here for direct access to my calendar.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

 

Wishing you strength and wisdom,