Deciding to Stay or Go: Part 1 Staying
You’re conflicted. I get it. Deciding to stay or go is a brutal choice. People agonize over it for years.
In many ways, the stigma of divorce isn’t what it used to be, so what holds people back? Why do so many stay stuck in marriages and relationships that are making them sick, sad, depressed, anxious and miserable?
I have a couple of theories about that, mostly based on attachment theory and gender roles. If you are interested, you can read a bit more about those here and here.
But, what I’m really passionate about is helping you get out of that quicksand. That feeling that you’re stuck somewhere you don’t want to be.
I want to give you the insight and tools to improve your current relationship or the clarity and preparation to leave it. No more sitting on the fence. No more misery.
Just you, making a conscious decision to change your life for the better – one way or the other.
Stay: Not all marriage problems are fatal. Even the worst of the worst can be fought through with the right tools and proper work. The key is identifying how much fight you have left and how much commitment both you and your partner have to the process.
Wait: Your marriage has an expiration date, but there may be a valid reason that now is not the right time to end it. I’ll cover waiting in the next post in this series, but here’s a hint: kids are not a valid reason to stay in a toxic environment.
Go: It’s time. You know it. But something is stopping you from actually taking that step. In the final post we’ll look at fear and how it keeps us rooted in what we have come to know as normal. In the meantime, you can go here to get my free guide on where to start when considering divorce.
Deciding to Stay or Go: Can You Stay?
How can you really tell if the situation can be changed? Does your marriage have a chance to transform from what it is to a place that is happy and fulfilling? The first step in deciding if you should stay or go is asking the question – can I stay?
If you are counting on it going back to the way it used to be in the good old days of early courtship, please listen. This is a reality check for you. Once your marriage has gotten to the point where you are considering divorce, the whole contract needs to be re-negotiated. Neither of you are the same people and your relationship is never returning to that point in time. If you understand that and are ready to get to work, then read on.
The following are some exercises I use with clients to help them dive deep and get some clarity. Since we aren’t working one-on-one, I suggest you grab a notebook and spend time with a strong cup of coffee or a good merlot journaling your responses. Go back after a couple of days and look over your answers. See if you have anything to add or revise.
Say It: What Needs to Change?
If you can’t name it, you can’t fix it. Can you clearly identify what would need to change in your relationship to make you want to stay? Be outrageously specific here. If you’ve been betrayed and you’re thinking about staying with a cheater, please read this. When you’re deciding to stay or go, you must be able to articulate exactly what isn’t working for you and what would work instead.
Not: I want him/her to be more open and communicate better. Instead: I would like to spend 20 minutes each day sharing how our day went and discussing future plans.
Not: He/she needs to stop overspending. Instead: I need him/her to agree to a budget, stick to it and not make purchases over $XX without discussing it with me.
Not: He/she needs to have sex with me more often. Instead: I need a commitment that he/she will agree to counseling/a check up/hard conversations to figure out what’s broken and get our sex life back on track.
Share It: Talk to Your Partner
You cannot expect your partner to read your mind. That is both unreasonable and unfair. Have you directly spoken to your partner and asked kindly and specifically for the changes you identified above? What has been the response? What did you learn from the way they responded to your request? Now that you’re deciding to stay or go, your partner’s willingness to lean in and meet your needs should be considered.
If you haven’t asked yet, then consider this. In a study, relationship researcher John Gottman discovered that he could predict the likelihood of a couple’s divorce by observing just the first 3 minutes of a conflict discussion. Softening the start-up of your conversations is crucial to resolving relationship conflicts, and if you use a soft start-up, your relationship is far more likely to be stable and happy. Read more about soft start-ups on his blog here.
See It: Look Ahead to the Future
Visualize that your partner has made the changes you asked for and it’s 5 or 10 years down the road. How do you feel about being in the relationship? What is life with your partner like? Are you happy and fulfilled or are you just not arguing? Do you have the intimacy you crave? Do the two of you have the same life goals and general approach to life?
Sometimes, even if you solve the immediate problem, the damage is too great or the two of you have simply hurt each other too much to rebuild the trust and partnership. Check out this post for more thoughts. Carefully consider if what you’re fighting for is truly what you want or if you’re just holding on out of fear. Sometimes deciding to stay or go requires us to look fear in the face.
Support It: Find the Resources You Need
If your marriage has gotten to the point that you have considered divorce, it may be time to get some outside help. The average couple waits 6 years before going to counseling to start addressing problems in their relationship. And yes, you guessed it, by then it is very difficult to undo those years of trouble. But if you’re deciding to stay or go, one last try at counseling may be what you need.
Good counseling can absolutely save a marriage, however, not all counseling is the same (and some is even harmful), so read this to learn more about what to look for. If you meet with a therapist and don’t get a good vibe, move on to another. This is your marriage at stake and you need the right person. If your partner isn’t 100% in on couples counseling, there’s even a new field called “Discernment Counseling” where the therapist works with the two of you for a short time to help you discover if staying in the marriage is right for you.
Need More Help?
It’s what I do. Schedule a Complimentary 30-Minute Consultation and let’s chat. I can learn what you’re struggling with and find out if coaching might be right for you. Just click here to get direct access to my calendar and choose a time that works for you. Can you stay? Is divorce the answer? Let’s find out together.
Wishing you strength and wisdom,
P.S. If you’re ready to get to work right now, check out my Stay, Wait or Go Coaching. 6 sessions to clarity, confidence and an intentional decision. Stop wondering, worrying or second guessing and get on with your life. Deciding to stay or go isn’t easy, but I can help.
