Divorce Money Mistakes: Throwing in the Towel
It’s exhausting. Maybe you’re worn down by the conflict, the threats, financial stress, the mounting legal bills or the drawn out court procedures. That’s the time when you’re most vulnerable to one of the top divorce money mistakes – throwing in the towel.
It might feel easier to just give in and get it over with. But in the long run you may regret giving up the things you need to build your future or support your children.
We say it all the time – divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. So how do you keep on fighting the good fight and stand strong for what you deserve when you’re feeling so depleted?
Know What You’re Up Against
According to a recent Ellevest article on divorce inequality:
- women’s household income falls 41% after a divorce
- women’s credit scores are more negatively impacted by divorce
- 59% of women said they were “met with surprises” during their divorce
- 48% said those surprises happened after the divorce was finalized
- primary caregiving moms have more expenses and less earning power
- 56% of women “deferred” to their spouse on investment decisions and financial planning
It’s a simple fact the income that used to support one household will not provide two separate households with the same lifestyle. Two house payments and two gas and/or electric bills, unbundled cell phone plans and auto insurance all mean everyone will feel the pinch after divorce. For women, especially stay-at-home-moms, this hit can be significant and shocking.
But failing to do your due diligence or giving up money that you are entitled to is only going to make your post-divorce life even harder than it has to be.
Avoid common divorce money mistakes. Focus on these 5 things to stay in the game and avoid throwing in the towel. Your future financial security is at stake.
Remember Your Why:
In order to have the perseverance to continue on when anything in life gets hard, it helps to remember why you’re doing it in the first place.
Women file for 70% of divorces, so I’m guessing you thought long and hard about this before you took action. If you journaled, look back at how you were feeling and the reasons you finally had to make this hard decision. Was it your own physical or emotional health? Your kids? Your financial security? Peace of mind? Knowing you deserve more? Put a post-it note on your mirror if you need to – but remember why you left and why you are entitled to what you are asking for.
It may especially hard to remember your why if you didn’t initiate the divorce and don’t want it. Your heart is broken and your hurt is telling you to lay down and give up. I’d like to help you dig down to that core belief that you are deserving of everything life has to offer regardless of the decisions that someone else has made.
Their decision to end the marriage is a reflection on them and not you – all you can do is leave them to live with the consequences of their decision. One of which is to equitably and fairly divide up marital assets and provide support. To give you everything you are legally entitled to. That is the consequence of their choice. You are not being petty, mean or vengeful. You didn’t choose this.
Knowledge is Power:
Fear and anxiety can drain your energy and your strength. Divorce is filled with scary questions and uncertainty, but there is an antidote to fear and it is knowledge. Doing your best to gather the information you need (or finding the people who can help you) is the #1 way to crush fear.
Fear can try to talk you into hiding or backing down and that means divorce money mistakes. But knowledge is power and wins out over fear every time.
Know the divorce laws in your state. Be certain that you have gone through the financial disclosure process and you know exactly what’s being divided. Know your own budget. Know what your needs, wants and priorities are. The more you know, the more confident you will feel and less likely it is that fear and anxiety will be sapping your emotional energy.
Support is Critical:
Divorce is not a solo sport. If you try do it by yourself, you will get frustrated, depleted and potentially make some bad decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life. Get a support team together. Read more here about how a personal divorce coach can help you create the right team. And speaking of team, I believe the right attorney can make all the difference. As a coach one of the first things I work with clients on is finding a family law specialist who feels right for them.
A coach, family law attorney, financial specialist, friends, family and others can all provide you with the professional and emotional support you need to stay strong, stay true to yourself, and make good decisions. When you have the knowledge and support you need, you’re much less likely to make divorce money mistakes.
If you missed it, check out this recent newsletter I wrote about the difference between those who dive after divorce and those who thrive (hint: it’s a team).
Self-Care:
It may sound simple. But I cannot stress enough the importance of eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising, spending some creative time and connection with others. You know how athletes “carb load” before a big competition? They know that their bodies are going to need extra fuel for the strain of the event. Divorce is the same. You need more self-care during divorce, not less. You need to “carb load” yourself with spiritual fuel so you don’t get depleted.
I know you’re likely watching your pennies right now, so I’m not recommending you spend your IRA on a spa month. If you can swing that, by all means do it. For the rest of us, look around. What’s nearby and accessible for you today?
Maybe you can’t afford a personal trainer, but you can get to the local YMCA for an exercise class. Perhaps weekly massages are out, but a nightly soak in a great smelling Epsom salts bath with music and candles can relax your body and soul too. Keep an eye on your caffeine and alcohol consumption because being wired or numb won’t help you be at your best.
Future Vision:
It’s easy to get bogged down with how hard things are right now. Your life may be filled with a daily dose of conflict, drama, fear, anger, betrayal and more. Life as you’ve known it is changing and yet…it’s not settled. It’s a time of uncertainty and transition. But don’t let that uncertainty rush you in to making divorce money mistakes.
Keeping a focus on the future and the new life you have to look forward to serves two important purposes. First, it gives you a filter to run settlement decisions through. If you know what you want and where you’re going, then you can more easily evaluate if a proposal supports your future goals or compromises them. Second, it allows you to remain hopeful. You can continually remind yourself that your current situation is not your final destination.
If you’ve ever tried visualization exercises, you know how powerful they can be. Spend just 10 minutes with your eyes closed painting a picture in your mind of the possibilities. What could your life look like a few years from now? In your own space with a healthy spirit and a renewed outlook? Picture yourself at peace living in a way that makes you happy. Try to recall that picture on days when things get rough.
Want More Help to Avoid Divorce Money Mistakes?
Great! I love helping clients become their own best advocates in divorce. Assertiveness is the name of the game. No need to attack and no need to retreat. Just know what you want and what you deserve – and then stand tall.
Just click the button below for direct access to my calendar and schedule a complimentary consultation. Let’s chat about how coaching can help you make good decisions and avoid divorce money mistakes.
Wishing you strength and wisdom,
