It’s human nature to want to treat people the way they treat us. But if you want a better divorce, then you may need to take the lead on regulating the  temperature of your divorce process.

As I’m writing today, it’s 88 degrees and sunny outside. I have the thermostat set at 74 and it’s doing a mighty fine job of keeping the temperature inside comfortable.

I realized that I don’t give my thermostat the appreciation it deserves. It is constantly checking the temperature and making adjustments to ensure that the environment is right for me to be productive and efficient. If the thermostat stopped responding, my ability to get things done would slow down to a crawl. And once it got to 78 or 80 degrees in here, I would probably have to bail and go find a pool. I would not be accomplishing any productive work.

The same goes for your divorce. Good work requires the right environmental temperature.

Be a thermostat, not a thermometer.

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

A Small Yet, Powerful Difference

Thermometer: an instrument for measuring temperature.

Thermostat: a device that establishes and maintains a desired temperature.

Leadership experts use this quote to teach managers about the importance of establishing culture. But the same lessons can be applied to divorce.

Divorce is a high stress, high stakes period in your life. When tensions get high, folks tend to get frustrated, lose their tempers and become angry and irritable. A thermometer would simply report back that, yowza, things are heating up in here. And a thermometer person would react in kind with irritation, anger and no ability to compromise or listen to the other person.

A thermostat, on the other hand, reads the temperature and then determines what adjustment needs to be made in order to accomplish its goal. A thermostat individual can cool things off if they are getting heated or warm things up if they get chilly. The advantage to being able to do that is never greater than in divorce.

If You Want a Better Divorce

A better divorce means a better outcome – financially, relationally and spiritually.

Taking your crazy up a notch to match theirs may feel good at the time, but it will probably cost you in the long run. In exchange for that temporary relief, you will end up with more stress, higher legal bills, difficult co-parenting, less negotiation on other issues, and so on. I wrote about that exact effect here – I call it drinking divorce poison.

When I talk about a better divorce, I mean one that doesn’t end up on the Jerry Springer show or cost you years of trauma therapy.

• Want a better outcome financially? Keep things at a comfy 72 degrees to keep attorney fees low and your spouse in a negotiating state of mind.
• Want a better outcome relationally? Regulate the temperature so that your relationship with your soon-to-be ex is civil and respectful.
• Want a better outcome spiritually? Maintain a stabile emotional environment so that you have less stress and less drama.

So, what to do when your partner is running hot or cold?

How can you regulate the temperature if you want a better divorce?

Make self-care a priority:

You absolutely cannot maintain emotional equilibrium if you are running on empty. Make time to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and socialize. Whatever it is that brings you joy and fills you back up – do more of that. Frankly, divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes much longer than most people expect, so you want to have endurance throughout the entire process. If you want a better divorce, put on your own oxygen mask first.

Change your energy:

Regardless of how they may be behaving at the moment, this is someone that you once cared for deeply (and you still may). If you can recall a few good traits of theirs or some special memories together, it may help you soften your demeanor toward them. Your energy sends out a vibration that they are reading. If you are feeling angry, jealous, vengeful, etc…, they are responding to that energy and it’s making things more difficult. If you want a better divorce, harness the power to change your own energy and see what a difference it makes.

Stay future focused:

Keep in mind that what you are going through is temporary. Your final destination is not determined by how this person is behaving or responding to you – it is determined by the decisions you make. The tone you set, the way you communicate, the choices you make will all either contribute to or take away from the future life you are dreaming of. For example, ask yourself what kind of future co-parenting relationship you want – and then say and do things that support that vision.  Do you want to maintain relationships with his family or mutual friends? Then act accordingly. The right thing to do is rarely the easy thing to do, but when you are clear about what you want and why you’re doing what you’re doing, it makes it a lot easier to handle.

Communicate :

Unless everything is going through your attorneys, you and your partner are probably texting or emailing to discuss finances, settlements, kids, home repairs or other life and divorce details. And if things aren’t going well, some of those communications may not be pleasant – some can even get downright nasty. The High Conflict Institute recommends using the BIFF method to calm things down – brief, informative, friendly and firm. When you respond in this manner, you defuse defensiveness and can improve future interactions.  You can read more and see some examples here.

Negotiate well: 

Keep things business like and professional when it comes to making offers and evaluating proposals. Knowing what’s on the table, what you are entitled to, and what your priorities are will keep you focused. Brainstorm creative solutions with your team rather than getting stuck in a “my way or the highway” mentality. Rely on expert guidance from your attorney and divorce coach to help you weigh the pros and cons of decisions. Divorce is not about winning – nobody wins in divorce. It is about coming to an agreement you can live with – one that is fair, enforceable, and meets your needs. You can find out more about the role a divorce coach plays here.

 

♥ If you want a better divorce, let go of the revenge fantasies, delete the snarky social media posts and commit to taking the high road. Do what you can to regulate the emotional temperature of your divorce process and keep things comfortable, yet professional.  Anyone can be a thermometer. It takes a person of character and purpose to be a thermostat. You have that power. I know you do.

Want to find out more about how I help clients stay sane, stay future focused and even save money during divorce? Click the button below to get direct access to my calendar and schedule a Free, 30- minute Discovery Session. Let’s chat and see if your thermostat could use an adjustment.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

 

Wishing you strength and wisdom,