KISS-ing Emotional Abuse Goodbye

Upside-down-land. That’s what my friend Renee says it’s like living with emotional abuse.

In a world where everything is the opposite of what it should be, you can constantly feel off balance.

Your partner tries to convince you that:

Lies = Truth

Pain = Love

Confusion = Clarity

Needs = Selfishness

Boundaries = Abuse

In his groundbreaking book “Why Does He Do That”, Lundy Bancroft explains:

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.

OK, It’s Emotional Abuse. Now What?

When the fog lifts and you start to realize what’s going on, you may decide that’s not how you want to live any longer. As you start speaking up and setting boundaries you may get one of two results.

#1 The abuse may escalate because your partner desperately wants to regain control. Hold those boundaries firm (read more here) – it’s the only way you can keep yourself protected. Get help from a coach for support and to create a safety plan.

#2 He may beg and plead and tell you that he can change. And that’s true – he can change. But will he? Ah, you need to be watching for signs of actual change over long periods of time, not just disconnection. Just because he isn’t yelling, calling you names, or having affairs, doesn’t mean he has had a heart change.

According to the Illinois Valley Safe House Alliance, these signs indicate that while you might be seeing “nice guy” behavior on the surface right now, genuine change isn’t happening.

He says he can change only if you change too.
He says he can change only if you “help” him change, by giving him emotional support, reassurance, and forgiveness and by spending a lot of time with him. This often means he wants you to abandon any plans you had of taking a break from him.
He criticizes you for not noticing how much he has changes.
He criticizes you for not trusting that his change will last.
He criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he in fact has done so in the past (or has threatened to) as if you should know that “he would never do something like that” even though he has.
He tells you that you are taking too long to make up your mind, that he can’t “wait forever” as a way to pressure you not to take the time you need to collect yourself and to assess how much he’s willing to change.
He says, “I’m changing, I’m changing” but you don’t feel it.

The Abuse Isn’t Changing. Now What?

As you continue to observe that your partner isn’t really recovering from their abusive behaviors, you may think about leaving, but it feels scary. Do you:

worry about your partner’s reactions?
think divorce will damage your kids?
rely on your spouse financially?
have less outside support?
feel like you’re not as strong as you were?

When you finally start to realize that things are not quite right (or as Renee says “NQR”) and your partner has no intention of changing, this previous emotional abuse has conditioned you to believe that you are powerless to change your situation.

BUT IT’S NOT TRUE!

That is fear talking. Your power is still in there and you have options.

You just need 4 things to KISS that toxic marriage goodbye:

KNOWLEDGE about the divorce process, your rights, and finances
INTENTION to prioritize your needs, wants and goals
STRATEGY to do the right things in the right order
SUPPORT from professionals to help you make good choices

You Can Get Free

I cannot stress the importance of the right support – and early on, right out of the gate – BEFORE you consult with attorneys or mention it to your spouse!

Let’s unpack that emotional abuse, get your power back, put some safety measures in place, and decide what kind of divorce YOU want. You actually have a lot more POWER and CONTROL over the process and the cost than you realize.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

If you’re ready to K.I.S.S. abuse, neglect, loneliness, and fear goodbye, then let’s chat.

Wishing you strength and wisdom,