Deciding whether to stay in your marriage or divorce is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make.

In Part 1 of this series we covered what it takes to stay and some things to consider if you truly want to take one more run at making it work. You can read that post here.

I want to help you make an intentional decision so you’re no longer stuck somewhere you don’t want to be.

I want to give you the insight and tools to improve your current relationship or the clarity and preparation to leave it. No more sitting on the fence. No more misery.

Today, I want to talk about why sometimes waiting is the right answer. Your marriage may have serious issues or you know it has an expiration date, but now may not be the right time to end it.

Here are a few reasons why you might choose to Wait.

One Last Chance

Do you feel like taking one more run at marriage counseling might be worth a try? Is the trouble in your relationship primarily being caused by infidelity, addiction, mental health issues, or something else that requires outside intervention?

Only you can decide if giving your marriage or your spouse one last chance is worth the risk. But if you choose to go this route, be sure to get the right help. Read this post for tips on couples counseling and this post if you are attempting to reconcile after cheating.

Preparing to Earn

If you’ve stayed at home or worked part-time while parenting, you may need some time to get more training or re-enter the job market. No matter how favorable your settlement, divorce does a number on your finances. Most of my clients find they need to supplement their income even if they’re receiving child support and spousal support.

You may want to use this waiting period to return to school to get that degree or get training to change careers. Doing this while you’re still married has several advantages. First, you have the financial support of your spouse to cover any tuition or other school expenses. Second, your spouse is more available for sharing kid duties while you are in class or completing assignments. Finally, you’ll have the chance to secure a job and know your financial situation before the divorce proceedings begin putting you in a better position to know what you need.

Smart Finances

The majority of my clients worry a lot about finances when it comes to divorce. What will their lifestyle look like? How will assets and debts be divided? Will they be able to retire comfortably?

Financial security is important to all of us. And the timing of divorce can have a significant impact on our financial futures. It’s critical to understand how your choices will effect your divorce settlement and your financial picture.

I always recommend my clients work with a professional to understand their entitlement to things like social security, pension and military benefits, 401(k), Thrift Savings and other retirement plans. Some require a certain number of years of marriage, others work on a vesting schedule, and others are based on years of employment/service. Sometimes waiting a few months to divorce could make a big divorce in your long term benefits – worth looking into.

You may also choose to wait to divorce and use your higher marital income to get some debt paid off (credit cards, car, house) so that you won’t have to take that on after the divorce. And if possible, you can begin to build up a cash reserve to fund your legal fees or your post-divorce life.

Exit Strategy

Every divorce goes more smoothly when there is a good exit strategy in place. A proper divorce exit strategy is the foundation for giving yourself the best chance for a good divorce and protecting yourself in the case of a bad divorce.

The 5 benefits of a divorce exit strategy include:

• Being more prepared
• Staying safe
• Better communication/negotiation
• Controlling costs
• Improving outcomes

Most of my client say their top priorities are:

1. minimize impact on the children
2. feel confident that the settlement they’re agreeing to is fair
3. keep divorce costs down
4. get through the process without losing their minds

If that sounds like you, then read more here about how an exit strategy can help.

Other Reasons

Then there are a few other reasons you might choose to stay.

Upcoming Occasions

If you have a child graduating, getting married or having a baby, you may choose to hold off on divorce in order not to spoil the day for your child. That is totally valid as long as it isn’t taking too great a toll on you emotionally. If you are wrecking yourself trying to suck it up for someone else’s comfort, then it may be time to put your own needs first.

Empty Nest

Some people choose to wait until the youngest graduates high school and is off to college before they divorce. Although this seems like a solid strategy, children report that it can be more traumatic to return from college to two separate households and the confusion of divorce. If your youngest won’t graduate for more than a year, I would suggest you reconsider and give them to opportunity to adjust now while you will be nearby to help them process it.

Health

If either you or your partner are in poor health and cannot care for yourselves, this may be a legitimate reason to stay for a time. You can look into a legal separation if you simply want to be able to continue on your spouse’s health insurance plan – but be aware – some insurance plans consider separation the same as divorce and will no longer cover you. If you are the one with serious health issues and don’t have a back up support system, then consider working with a coach or counselor to set whatever boundaries you can to make your marriage livable. If your spouse has the health concerns, you will need to decide how long you are willing to care for them. That is a choice that only you can make.

Finances

It may be that you simply will not be able to support yourself for the foreseeable future. In that case, you may need to stay until you can create a change in your circumstances. Consult with an attorney about the impact of moving forward with divorce if you continue to live together. Different states have different requirements and benefits may differ. 

Need More Help?

It’s what I do. Schedule a Complimentary 30-Minute Consultation and let’s chat. I can learn what you’re struggling with and find out if coaching might be right for you. Just click here to get direct access to my calendar and choose a time that works for you. Can you stay? Is divorce the answer? Let’s find out together.

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Wishing you strength and wisdom,