Financial dependence, heavy debt, looming tax bills, or simply not knowing the facts … there are many factors that might be making you feel economically trapped in a toxic relationship. If you’ve been thinking you can’t afford to leave, I urge you to reconsider.  The truth is, maybe you can’t afford to leave today. But you can begin creating a plan that will put you in a better position to leave in the future.

And that’s what I call “Waiting with Intention”.

You’re not staying because you have no option. You’re waiting until the right time to execute your plan. It feels much better to know you’re working on a strategy than to feel stuck and hopeless.

Let’s Talk About Fear

Fear is defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or is a threat.” So what fear is underneath your belief that you can’t afford to leave?

Do you feel threatened by something? Worried you will experience or cause pain? What about the thought of divorce is causing you unpleasant emotions?

• I’m financially dependent
• My partner controls all the finances
• My partner bullies me
• I might not stand up for what I deserve
• Lawyers cost too much
• It’s likely to create conflict
• I don’t know what I’m entitled to
• I won’t be able to afford the same lifestyle
• The kids will be negatively affected
• I’ll have to sell the house
• I won’t be able to support myself

Those are all 100% legitimate concerns. And I’m sure you have plenty more of your own to add to the list. Fear is powerful. It can hold us back from taking action – even action that we know is beneficial for us. But before you stop reading and decide you can’t do it, I have two questions to ask:

1. Is the fear rooted in truth and supported by facts?
2. Is avoiding the fear worth the price you’re paying?

Fear vs. Fact

Question #1 asks if your fear is rooted in truth. By this I mean have you done the research and due diligence to know that your fear is supported by facts?

Let’s start with the fear “I won’t be able to support myself”. That’s a scary thought. The idea that you won’t have enough money for basic living expenses for yourself and your children. If you’ve been a stay-at-home parent or lower earner in your relationship, it makes total sense that this fear would come up for you. But is it factual?

What information do you need to find out if this is true or false?

• Marital assets and debts
• Your budget needs post-divorce
• Legal rights

Find out what you can about your marital finances, do your best to estimate what rent/mortgage, utilities, etc.. would be for you on your own, then consult with a few family law attorneys to get estimates for child support and spousal support. Check out this post for a step-by-step guide through this process. A great way to get started is with the worksheets and instruction in the Ditch Your Divorce Fears Financial Planner.

Now add the spousal support and child support income to your budget. How does it look? If it’s better than you expected, then voila, you’ve busted your fears. If the numbers don’t quite look the way you hoped, then at least you know your target. You can start developing a plan to earn more or spend less to make the numbers work.

I recently worked with a client who thought there was absolutely no way she could ever afford to leave. And yet, once we did the legwork, she determined that the gap was only about $1,000 a month. That means she now has an income target of $250 per week which she is confident she can reach without putting her children in daycare or getting a full-time office job. 

The point is, don’t let fear convince you that you can never afford to leave when it may just be true for now.

Fear Avoidance

Question #2 asks if you are paying a price by avoiding your fear. In this instance, the fear may be real, but have you examined the consequences of hiding behind that fear?

Many clients are afraid of the conflict that asking for or initiating a divorce might spark. While it’s true that deciding to end your marriage might upset your partner, let’s inventory the costs of staying in your marriage to avoid that conflict.

• You’re modeling an unhealthy relationship to your children
• You feel tired, have headaches or other physical symptoms
• You’re underperforming at work
• You’re not the parent you want to be
• You risk getting an STD
• You are anxious, depressed, have trouble sleeping
• You’re not taking care of yourself physically or emotionally
• You’re becoming a different person – detached, less loving, more reactive

I’m sure you could add many more to this list. If you’re reading this post, then I know you have tried everything you know to try to repair your relationship and make it a safe and loving place. 

But, is it really better for your kids if you avoid conflict, or is it healthier to show them that we don’t allow people to mistreat us? Read more about kids and divorce HERE.

Are you willing to continue to let your health decline or can you handle some temporary discomfort to regain your emotional and physical strength? Is it more important to stay in this particular home or to get back to the person you used to be and start living again?

The Price of Freedom

Truth is, there is always a price for freedom. Maybe it will be an adjustment in your lifestyle, getting a part-time job, being away from your children sometimes, or learning to live alone.

But having to pay a price for something doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. Why did you spend money on those shoes, that car or that meal? Because you thought it had that much value. Every day, we choose to pay a price for things that make our lives happier and more fulfilling.

The key for stay-at-home moms feeling like they can’t afford to leave? Challenge your fears with facts and inventory the costs of not facing those fears.

And one day, when the cost of staying outweighs the cost of leaving, you’ll have the facts you need to make a confident decision to walk away.

Think You Can’t Afford to Leave?

It may be true that you can’t afford to leave today. But rest in the confidence that today is NOT the same as forever. Let’s hop on a complimentary consult call and chat about the steps you CAN take to begin putting a plan in place.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

 

Wishing you strength and wisdom,