Money. Not enough money. I’ll just go ahead and say it right upfront. The number one divorce fear that keeps women tethered to unhealthy, unhappy relationships is being afraid they won’t have enough money.

Now, each woman’s definition of “enough” is different. For some, they’re afraid they won’t be able to afford designer clothes, weekly manicures and bi-annual trips to Cancun. For others, they worry they won’t even have enough to pay rent or buy groceries.

The truth is the money that supported one household won’t cover the bills for two separate homes and sets of living expenses – at least not in the same way. Maybe you see that as bad news. I simply see it as news because once you know something, you can make a plan to change it.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.  – James Baldwin

When I work with clients who are afraid they can’t afford to leave, we work through 4 big, important steps:

1. 1. PREPARE
   2. PLAN
   3. PRIORITIZE
   4. POSITION

I don’t want you to leave your marriage or mention the “D” word until we go through this process together. You deserve financial security and knowing your numbers will give you the confidence you need to make good decisions before, during and after divorce. Okay? So dust off your calculator and let’s do some math!

PREPARE

Preparing means digging into all things financial. What is your lifestyle now as a married couple and what will it look like on your own? You need to be able to answer the following questions with confidence:

• What is your monthly/annual income?
• Do you expect your income to change? Are you going back to work?
• What are your monthly/annual expenses?
• What are your children’s expenses? Child-care, health insurance, sports, tuition, etc..
• Can you estimate child support and/or spousal support you might receive?
• What property might you be awarded from the divorce? Cash, retirement accounts, investments, home, pension, etc…

If you haven’t been involved in your family’s finances, don’t panic. That’s all part of divorce fear. My Ditch Your Divorce Fears Financial Planner has all the tools, tips, and worksheets I use with clients every day to help them take charge of their financial lives. You get a step-by-step system to review and analyze your finances, your choice of printable or downloadable versions of worksheets, and lots of instruction and encouragement from me to get through it.

Prepare also means to get some safety measures in place in case things go sideways once you start the divorce conversation. Things like emergency cash, your own personal checking account, a credit card in your name only and copies or photos of important stuff. Download my FREE Exit Strategy Checklist for some more ideas.

PLAN

Now that you know your numbers, you can make a financial plan for life after divorce. Start with the budget worksheet from the Know Your Numbers Pack or create your own and evaluate some different scenarios. Each person’s scenarios will look different, but they might be based on questions like:

• Where will I live? Stay in the marital home, purchase a new home or rent?
• What will I earn? Are you planning to change careers, go back to work, get more education?
• How much will child care cost if I’m working?
• What if I pay off my car?
• What can I cut back on?
• How much will health insurance be?
• What if spousal support is $X? What if it’s $Y? What if I took a lump sum instead of a monthly payment?

Let’s look at a simplified case:

What can we learn from this example?

At first glance, it looks terrifying. $1450 in the hole. Not enough to cover your expenses and God forbid an emergency would come up.

1. Earning just $250 a week has a significant impact on the bottom line.  $1000 better
2. Simply decreasing expenses like choosing a smaller home/apartment, cutting back on entertainment and groceries makes a difference. $650 better
3. Earning a little and cutting back moves us from the red to the black. $1650 better.
4. Temporary options like living with a parent or a friend can free up the money to make leaving feel comfortable. Holy cow – $2550 improvement

So, see what I mean? Where you once had a divorce fear, you now have divorce information. Now that you know what you’re looking at, you can make a plan to make it look different. I realize this is a super simplified example and your situation will be more complex, but I want you to understand that once you see it, you can change it.

PRIORITIZE

You’ve looked at your finances, but we haven’t considered some other facets of divorce. Now it’s time to decide what’s worth it, what’s not, and what you can and can’t live without. Part of divorce fear is thinking about what you might lose.

Consider how you feel about:

• Sharing parenting with your ex
• Having free time without parent duty
• Needing to go back to work
• Putting the kids in public school instead of homeschooling
• Moving from your family home
• Doing all the chores/home maintenance
• Potentially losing friends and family
• Having less in retirement than you thought you would
• Not having to walk on eggshells
• Having the freedom to be whoever you want to be
• Redecorating in your own style
• Moving to a new city or closer to friends/family
• Living without the day-to-day tension and stress of an unhealthy marriage
• Showing yourself and your children what you’re made of

You know what your budget looks like and what you need to change to make it work. You understand the pros and cons of splitting up and have considered how those affect your decision-making.  It’s time to start prioritizing. Depending on the complexities of your case, this may be the right time to consult with an experienced family law attorney or two to get a better understanding of exactly what assets, debts, and property you would likely be eligible to receive (don’t hire anyone until you know they’re the perfect fit for you).

This step is really hard for most people because change is hard, especially if it is going to affect your children. But please trust me on this – if you can list your priorities and then make sure that your plan addresses them, you will feel 1000% more confident about leaving your divorce fears behind.

The most important things for me to get from this are:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Examples of things clients have told me:

• freedom
• peace of mind
• being able to parent without being undermined
• financial security
• retirement funds
• health insurance coverage
• pension benefits
• spousal support during job training
• sharing of kids’ school and college expenses
• keeping the marital home
• cash equity payment from the home
• living in the same school district
• moving closer to family

The point is that confident negotiation and decision making comes from knowing what you want and what you’re willing to give on. Keeping your priorities and the end goal in mind will give you the courage to get through it.

POSITION

In the previous step, you prioritized what you need and what’s important to you. So what position do you need to be in to be ready to leave? Maybe you ran your numbers and you still weren’t happy with how they looked because you really want to keep the family home, but your budget says no. Or you’ve been married 19 years to a spouse on active duty military – what pension and health insurance benefits do you give up if you leave now? Or you’re not ready to send the baby to daycare to go back to work full-time.

This piece of the puzzle is all about timing. You’re still leaving, but maybe now isn’t the right time. Let’s look at a few things that might make waiting a smart choice for you:

• Researching financial accounts, income, and expenses
• Getting your exit strategy and safety net in place
• Job training, career change, job search
• Youngest goes to Kindergarten to avoid child care costs
• Social security, retirement, pension or military benefits eligibility

Only you can decide what you need to feel secure enough to leave. Jot a few ideas down for yourself.

I’ll know I’m ready and will feel confident when:

1.

2.

3.

ARE YOU READY TO DITCH YOUR DIVORCE FEAR?

Fear is a big deal and thinking about divorce tends to get us focused on the scary stuff. I know one blog post can’t do it all, but I hope this framework has given you some ideas on how you can overcome divorce fear, feel prepared and know when you’re ready to go. I hope it’s also encouraged you that you can handle it.

You know I’m here if you want to chat about diving a little deeper into your plan and your custom exit strategy. Just schedule a complimentary consult call and we’ll chat about it – no pressure, no obligation.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

Wishing you strength and wisdom,

P.S. If you have any notion that your divorce might be “one of those” where things heat up and high-conflict is the name of the game, go ahead and check out my book High-Conflict Divorce for Women. You’ll find practical strategies, helpful scripts, and realistic advice on how to navigate and cope with a difficult divorce.