So you’ve decided to use a mediator for your divorce or the court has ordered you to go. No matter which route you took to get to mediation, your goal is to be your own best advocate and come to an agreement that you can live with.

I know you’ve heard it said that there are no winners in divorce, but there don’t have to be losers either. Mediation can be a great alternative to all those lawyer’s fees and court costs and it can often preserve a co-parenting relationship.

Before we dive into how to do it well, let’s review a little about what mediation is.

What Exactly is Mediation?

1. Mediation is an attempt to come to an agreement with your spouse on divorce-related issues so that the court (judge) doesn’t have to make those decisions for you. By avoiding trial, you are in control of your own decision making.
2. It is a dispute resolution process designed to help the parties resolve their differences in a civil manner. Mediators are trained in conflict resolution strategies and, depending on your particular mediator, may also have expertise in another area related to divorces such as family law, parenting or counseling.
3. Mediation is not legally binding until a judge orders it. Mediators may simply draft a letter of agreement that is shared with the attorneys or they may draft the whole settlement agreement – state laws and mediators differ.
4. Mediation can be conducted with or without attorneys. That being said, I still always recommend that you have a family law attorney review any settlement agreement before you sign it.
5. You may be in the same room with your spouse or in some circumstances, you may request shuttle mediation where the mediator goes back and forth between separate rooms.
6. In a high-conflict divorce, mediation can actually be a better option than litigation. Your mediator is trained to handle conflict and may be able to make it possible to maintain some sort of post-divorce relationship. A court battle will do nothing but leave scars.

But negotiation is a skill. It requires lots of preparation to be able to know what you’re willing to compromise on and make good decisions on the spot. Follow these 5 tips and you’ll look like a pro at the mediation table.

Rally Your Team

Divorce is not a solo sport and neither is mediation. The right support can help you feel prepared and confident going into that conference room to negotiate. So who should be on your team?

You

You are the most important player on your team. Only you can advocate for yourself and only you can make the big decisions. Take good care of yourself so you can show up and remain engaged in your own divorce. No throwing in the towel, no handing the reins to someone else, and no burying your head in the sand.

Family Law Attorney

Even in the most amicable divorce, let’s be sure your interests are fully protected and your agreement is enforceable. And having the right lawyer on your team from the beginning is critical. Research your choices, interview several and choose the one that is a good fit for you. You need to be able to trust them with your life and your truth and trust them to protect you. Ask friends or co-workers for recommendations, research on www.avvo.com  or www.superlawyers.com, ask your coach or therapist for referrals or call your local bar association.

Certified Divorce Coach^®

I am, of course, partial to the need to have a personal divorce coach as a member of your team. Investing in a divorce coach is the equivalent of hiring a guide to go on an African safari. Someone who knows the terrain and can help you get where you want to go. And someone who can point you in the right direction when you need more specialized help. You’ll make smart decisions and use the services of other professionals more efficiently. That means fewer mistakes and lower expenses overall. Win-win. Find a divorce coach here (or hire me).

Certified Divorce Financial Analyst^®

Your CPA, your financial planner, and your friend’s uncle may all have extensive knowledge in their area of financial expertise, but finances during divorce are different. Decisions you make today will affect your financial future and stability. You must consider both the short term and long term implications of various choices and well as any current or future tax consequences. Get the right help so you aren’t making decisions today that compromise your tomorrow. You can locate a CDFA here.

Parenting Co-ordinator

If you and your spouse are having trouble coming to an agreement on a parenting plan, a parenting expert may be a valuable special player to have on your team. Especially if you have special needs or if you anticipate trouble. Parenting coordinators are specially trained professionals whose work focuses on helping co-parents manage their parenting plan, improve communication, and resolve disputes.

Know Your Rights

Do your due diligence to ensure that you understand the divorce laws in your state (province or country). Do your own research, ask your divorce coach or ask your lawyer. Only your attorney can give you specific legal advice, but your coach will be well informed about the basics.

Don’t be like a former client of mine whose husband tried to convince her he was giving her a “good deal” by letting her have half the proceeds from the sale of the marital home. What? Dude, that’s the law, not a gift.  Think his work 401(k) is all his because only his name is on it? Think again and read more about the division of retirement assets here.

General categories that you should inform yourself about are:

• Property Distribution (assets, debts and household goods)
• Child Custody
• Child Support
• Spousal Support

These are the primary issues that you and your spouse will need to come to an agreement on in order to finalize your divorce. Knowing what the law says or how it is typically done in your jurisdiction puts you in a position of strength in the negotiation process.

Know Your Numbers

If you want to be a confident and smart negotiator, you must understand exactly what you’re discussing. I’ve written before about the importance of financial disclosures and knowing your numbers in divorce. Get a head start on gathering and analyzing finances with my Ditch Your Divorce Fears Financial Planner.

It’s really important that you know what your income and expenses are now and will be post-divorce. These numbers are used for your official financial affidavit (or whatever your state calls it) and for child support and spousal support (alimony or maintenance) calculations. If you need some help figuring these out, check out this post that explains how to calculate your averages and gives you a free budget worksheet to use.

Knowing what’s in the retirement accounts, how much equity there is in the home and other financial data gives you the information you need to make the right settlement decisions for yourself. Do you need cash now or more for retirement? What are the tax implications of different kinds of assets? Keep these things in mind as you are being asked if you are willing to give up this for that.

Take Your Time

Do not feel pressured to agree to anything that you’re not comfortable with. Mediation is just a conversation – it is not an interrogation or a trial. You should be able to ask for a break if you need it – whether that’s to clear your head, compose yourself, or consult with your attorney. If you feel yourself getting emotional (see below),

There is no need to respond immediately to anything the other side says or offers. Look through your notes or your numbers. Pull out your calculator. Do whatever you need to do to make a thoughtful and full evaluation. If you aren’t sure that you are ready to agree, then don’t. Be kind about it, but defer that decision to a later date. Most mediation takes place over a number of sessions, so you will have time to discuss it again.

Take as much time as you need. You don’t want to agree to something in mediation and then negate that agreement later on.

Prepare Yourself Emotionally

In mediation, your spouse is not your adversary, nor are they your buddy. They are a person you are negotiating a business contract with and your goal is to come to an agreement that is agreeable to both of you. No one in that room is your friend including the mediator. The only person that truly has your back is you (with legal reinforcement from your attorney if present).

Leave your emotions at the door and put your game face on. Do not scoff, roll your eyes, gloat or otherwise behave in an unbusinesslike fashion. Remember, the reason you want to understand the laws and your numbers is so you can take some of the emotion of the discussion. State what you are asking for or proposing and the reason why (if applicable) then let the other side respond. When they make a proposal, evaluate it and then:

• Counter-offer
• Say you need more time to think about it
• Decline it politely

Your spouse may have been able to manipulate you and push your buttons in the past, but those days are over. Your goal now is to stay cool, stand in your own power, and advocate for what you need. You are confident and in charge, so act that way (fake it if you have to). If you need a little help managing those pesky emotions, read more here and here.

 

Want More Help to Get Ready for Mediation?

Let’s do it. You can absolutely get in there, make good decisions and negotiate a settlement that feels OK for you. Maybe you just need a little help pulling the numbers together or working through all the emotions.

Schedule a complimentary consultation. Let’s talk about how I help clients get ready to be their own best advocates in divorce.

 

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Wishing you strength and wisdom,