If you find yourself married to a cheater, you know how much betrayal hurts. But so may the idea of giving up on your marriage. Discovering your spouse’s porn habit, affairs, visits to strip clubs or prostitutes can leave you afraid, angry, and unsure what to do next.

Throughout my journey from betrayed spouse to support group leader to coach I have learned some important lessons. I want to help you skip the mistakes and go straight to the steps that will protect you and help you make the right choices.

Step #1 Protect Your Physical and Emotional Safety

In any crisis situation, the first step is to get to safety and stabilize. If you just found out that you’re married to a cheater, do these three things first.

Get an STD Test

Yes, I said that. Even if your spouse tells you they were only looking at porn, go get tested. Right now you know you’re married to a liar, so why put your health in the hands of someone who isn’t being truthful.

Find Support

The right kind of support is absolutely critical right now. Frankly, most counselors and pastors do not understand the trauma you are experiencing and will try to push you into marriage counseling, rebuilding trust or forgiveness well before your pain has been acknowledged and you feel safe. I recommend Betrayal Trauma Recovery groups and coaches for your emotional safety.

Set Boundaries

It’s time for you to put yourself first and decide what you need to feel safe right now. This is not the time for rash decisions, this is time to find cover away from the storm. But what does that look like for you?

Maybe it means physical separation (living separate) or sleeping in different rooms. Maybe it’s your own bank account with your own money. Cutting off contact with his affair partner. Or pornography filters like Covenant Eyes on the computer and phones. Requiring him to attend therapy and a 12 step group. What do you need for right now to feel steady enough to continue?

Step #2 Plan for All Possible Outcomes

Why am I asking you to plan for both staying and leaving? Because as much as I would love to tell you that your spouse will be the exception, sex and porn addiction recovery rates hover around 5%.

Plan to Stay

Continue your individual recovery work. Only when your partner has demonstrated genuine remorse, empathy, and repentance can you even begin to rebuild trust. Most experts recommend a therapeutic disclosure followed by a polygraph exam to give you a baseline of truth to start from. 

Once you begin to experience a heart change from your spouse and see them working to make amends, then, and only then, you can consider next steps such as couples counseling, making changes to boundaries, etc..

Read more HERE about what you must know if you’re thinking about staying with a cheater.

Plan to Go

Yes, your partner may get treatment and remain sober/faithful for a time. But the statistics and anecdotal evidence suggest that you will be dealing with this for the rest of your marriage. Plus, stopping their infidelity is no guarantee that they will work through the entitlement issues that caused their poor decisions in the first place.

I want you to feel confident that the moment you decide you’ve had enough, you have a plan ready to execute. The key to being empowered in this kind of marriage is knowing that you aren’t hopeless and helpless. Learning about divorce laws and understanding your financial picture will give you the information you need to make a plan and make smart choices. Go grab my Ditch Your Divorce Fears Financial Planner for step-by-step instructions and worksheets.

I pray you never have to use your plan, but simply having it will have you feeling more equal in your marriage.

Step #3 Decide if Cheating is a Dealbreaker

You are allowed to decide that cheating is a dealbreaker for you. It’s a breaking of the marriage covenant and it is considered Biblical grounds for divorce.

You absolutely do not have to work on or stay in your marriage if your spouse has been unfaithful (and yes, I consider porn to be adultery, in case you’re wondering). Your spouse is not entitled to your understanding, your forgiveness, or your effort. At any time you can decide that reconciliation is not right for you. Check out this article for a little more help to decide if it’s a dealbreaker.

Take all the time you need to think this through. Get good counsel. Above all, search your own heart. No one else gets to tell you what you can and can’t live with. And remember this … you can forgive and choose not to reconcile. You can let go of your anger and hurt, while still deciding that you can’t trust them with your heart.

Married to a Cheater? Help is Here

Please know that I understand and you are not alone in the fear, anger and confusion you’re feeling since this tsunami ripped through your life. There is a whole community of professionals and “married to a cheater” alumni out here just waiting to support you through this. 

People who will acknowledge your pain, affirm your anger, and never judge a single feeling or sentence you speak. People, like me, who have navigated this before you and will help you find your own way through it.

Want to chat? To find out what’s it’s like to talk to someone who gets it and can walk you to safety? Schedule a Complimentary 30-minute Call and let’s get to know each other. 

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

 

Wishing you strength and wisdom,