If your partner has been cheating, watching porn, sexting, or visiting prostitutes, I understand how heartbreaking that is.  Maybe you’re in the place where you don’t want to get divorced but don’t know if you can stay. I’m guessing you’ve offered grace upon grace upon grace and just want to know if your partner can really change. If you’re married to a sex addict, let’s explore the difference between the recovery myth being sold out there and the reality of what’s required to restore a relationship.

I still hesitate to use the term “sex addict”, but I know readers won’t find this article if search engines don’t see it, so alas. Regardless of the label, which I wrote more about HERE, I want you to understand the myth vs. the reality of the situation you’re up against.

Make Sure You’re Asking the Right Question

Most clients I work with want answers to these questions:

• Can he stop the compulsive sexual behavior? Is recovery possible?
• How long will it take? And when will I feel better?
• Is it worth this pain and misery to try to save this relationship or am I just setting myself up for more disappointment?

These are incredibly important questions, but also really complicated ones. Because there’s an underlying question that you need to ask first. And that is…is the sexual acting out the only problem you’re dealing with? In other words, does your partner also have trouble with alcohol, anger, intimacy, connection, communication, entitlement, jealousy, boundaries, accepting influence, emotional control, attention seeking, and so on?

The point I’m making is this…if you don’t deal with the whole problem, you will end up with the same issue over again. It’s like taking some Advil for a headache without addressing the brain tumor that’s causing the headache. Your partner may stop using porn for a while, but once their sense of entitlement or lack of impulse control kicks in again, they will go right back to their behavior.

The Sex Addiction Recovery Myth

The truth is your partner can go to SA, SAA, the finest treatment facility, or the best therapist, and if all they focus on is stopping their compulsive sexual behavior, then you will end up with a partner who doesn’t use porn (at least for a while) but is still miserable to live with.

Why is that? I believe it’s because the addiction model doesn’t fit. Dr. Omar Minwalla, founder of The Institute for Sexual Health, has done much to advance the understanding that the current sex addiction model has failed to include focus on the abuse and trauma associated with these problems. His CASRD model approaches both sets of behaviors to include the acting out and the abuse/trauma.

Compulsive-Abusive Sexual-Relational Disorder (CASRD): a clinical syndrome that involves two pathological systems:  compulsive-entitled sexuality and integrity-abuse disorder.

“Couples and individuals dealing with problematic sexual behaviors might typically hear the terms compulsive sexual behavior disorder or sexual addiction used to describe their experiences. But these words don’t fully capture the holistic nature of what actually goes on in these situations. An exclusive focus on sexual behaviors is incomplete, as problematic sexual behaviors are often accompanied by a tragic pattern of abuse and injury that deeply impacts partners and family members for years to come.”

You can learn more by listening to Dr. Minwalla’s podcasts.

Notice that Dr. Minwalla’s approach also includes addressing the offender’s problems with entitlement (I deserve it), integrity (I don’t have to be honest), and abuse (I can be hurtful).

And that is what’s been missing from traditional treatment. I’ve seen couples spend tens of thousands of dollars (or more) on therapy and treatment, and yet there has been no discernible change. Because the roots of entitlement, integrity, and abuse have not been dug out.

If you’re married to a sex addict and wondering if they can recover, then answer is possibly…if they’re willing to get the right treatment and do the work. I never believe you should do his recovery work or find his resources for him, but if you want to test the waters here a bit…send him one of the Minwalla podcasts and ask him to discuss it. You’ll have a pretty clear idea if he hears any truth in it or not. Then you’ll have your answer.

The Reality of the Recovery Lifestyle

I’ve talked about this before, but rebuilding your relationship after discovery isn’t quick and it isn’t easy. That’s why I like to call it the recovery lifestyle.

Lifestyle? Am I telling you that this is going to last for the rest of your life? Honestly, I kind of am. You will have a scar from this. It will fade over time. Like the one I have from falling off my bike when I was 8. I got stitches and they healed. It doesn’t hurt anymore, but it’s still there. And if you poke at it really, really hard…it’s still sensitive. If you’re married to a sex addict, you will heal, but there will be a scar.

And during the healing phase, you’ll be triggered, you’ll have to set and hold new boundaries, there will continue to be arguments, and you’ll wonder if it’s worth it. And you will get tired of it, I promise. But if your spouse is addressing BOTH their compulsive sexual behaviors AND their integrity-abuse disorder, then there is hope.

What is the right kind of help? Honestly, it’s hard to find. Most therapists don’t recognize the abuse component, and therefore, you end up getting hurt even more (re-traumatized) in the process. They’ll come home telling you they’re co-dependent, they need to speak up more and set more boundaries, or you’re shaming them when you talk about your hurt. Don’t fall for this.

Hear me loud and clear on this..NO COUPLES COUNSELING. This is not a marriage issue or a communication problem. Your spouse has an entitlement-integrity problem – you play no role in that.

Support if You’re Married to a Sex Addict

I know it’s tempting to focus on your spouse right now. Trying so hard to help him, to understand how it happened, to figure out what in his childhood caused him to be this way, or if he has a personality disorder or ADHD. Please stop. Sorting himself out is his job – let him do it. He is a grown man and needs to begin to show up as such.

You need to focus on safety, boundaries, and self-care. Focus solely on yourself and what you need. You cannot fix him, but you can heal yourself and get stronger. Don’t wait for him to change to start living.

Helping clients through the aftermath of betrayal trauma is one of my specialties. Let’s spend some time together and decide what’s best for you.

• What are the first steps you need to take?
• What are your deal breakers?
• How long can you wait?
• Why are you waiting?
• Can you stay or is trust gone?
• What signs of recovery are you looking for?
• What would it look like if you chose to leave?

Finding the right support is critical. Because right now, this is about you and what you need. And you need someone who won’t expect you to cater to the person who hurt you. Check out the Work With Me page or click below to schedule a consultation.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

 

Wishing you strength and wisdom,