If you’re tired of always giving in, backing down and staying quiet, then let’s talk about how to stop being so nice. For generations, women have been taught that speaking up for ourselves isn’t nice. And “nice” is what we are expected to be at all costs. Well, I call BS on what society considers nice behavior. I spend lots of time helping women lose their fear of saying exactly what they want to say without feeling guilty, pushy or bitchy. 

It sounds so harmless – be “nice”. But I believe we have confused being nice with being a doormat. Being “nice” means being kind to both yourself and the other person – understanding that you are both worthy of respect.

“One of the most shocking findings of my work was the idea that the most compassionate people I have interviewed over the last 13 years were also absolutely the most boundaried.”⠀– Brene Brown

Being a doormat is poison for relationships – read more here. Honest, assertive communication and boundaries are the key if you want to have more capacity for the people, activities and issues that matter in your life.

Just Say No

No. It seems like a simple word that should be easy to say. But for many of us, telling someone no feels like telling them to go jump off a bridge. It has somehow come to mean that we don’t care about them – because if we did, we would always find a way to accommodate their needs.

Saying yes when you want to say no isn’t nice. Didn’t want to take on that project at work or run the PTO fundraiser, but you agreed to it anyway? That’s a big recipe for resentment. And that resentment can be expressed as depression, anxiety and physical symptoms later on.

Saying no can also include deciding not to respond. Got an angry text or email? Did someone say something disrespectful or belittling? Not every person or situation deserves a response. Sometimes saying nothing can be the biggest “no” of all.

Say What You Mean

Do nice guys (girls) finish last? They do if they hem and haw around and don’t ever ask for what they need. Clear, direct communication is nice. Giving hints, making assumptions, and testing people isn’t.

If you have something to say to someone, give them all the information they need. If you want your partner to pick the kids up from basketball so you can go to dinner with friends, don’t tip toe around by saying something sketchy like “hey, I was wondering if…like if you had time…if not it’s no big deal…”. Instead, be clear and assertive, “Would you please pick the boys up at 6:00 because I’d like to…”

It isn’t nice to have expectations of someone, not tell them, and then get pissed they didn’t meet them. Does this mean having some hard conversations? It does. But that honesty and vulnerability is what builds relationships worth having.

Plan the Conversation

I get it. Speaking up for yourself, saying no, and telling people things that might disappoint them isn’t easy at first. But, it is something you can lean into.

One of the best ways to start is to plan your conversation ahead of time. I call this writing your script. Think through what you’re afraid of. Decide exactly what you want to say. Prepare for possible responses. Focus on your message.

When you’re prepared, you’re less likely to back down, get angry or get pulled down into conflict. You’re able to say what you mean, stand in your truth, and remain calm, kind, and confident. And that’s nice.

Expect Reciprocity

All those stories of martyrdom in the history books might seem interesting, but in real life, being a martyr sucks. It’s not nice to do for someone else all the time and never receive.

Pay attention to the people in your life who are only there for the taking. The ones that demand support and/or respect but never seem to return it. I’m not implying that you should carry around a scorecard, just that you should be observant.

Examine how you feel when someone asks something of you. One way to stop being so nice is to ask yourself a few questions. What’s your intitial reaction? Are you inclined to say yes because this person is showing up for you in your life or because you’re worried what they’ll think if you say no? Do you want to do it or do you feel like you have to do it?

Want to Stop Being So Nice?

Find the strong women around you and ask for their support. Ask them to help you write scripts, to hold you accountable, to say no, and say what you mean. Commit to working toward being an assertive communicator who speaks clearly and directly, but shares truth with kindness. Practice setting boundaries to protect your time, money and energy.

 

If you’re ready to speak up, say what you mean, and stop being so nice to others but not so nice to yourself, then schedule a consult and let’s talk about working together to get your voice back. Here’s to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.

 

 

 

Wishing you strength and wisdom,