How to Say You Want a Divorce (Safely)

You’ve done your work, faced your fears, asked and answered all the hard questions. And as much as it breaks your heart, you know it’s time to end your marriage. But how do you say you want a divorce? And in the case of an angry or abusive spouse, how do you do it safely?

Even if your spouse was expecting it, this is still a really difficult conversation. And if you’ve been married to an emotional abuser or a partner prone to angry outbursts, the announcement that you want a divorce may be met with threats, accusations, rage, and even physical harm.

So, before you tell your spouse, make sure you’ve thought through all the possibilities and have taken steps to ensure your safety.

What Could Go Wrong?

I specialize in working with clients who are divorcing abusive, addicted, manipulative, and just plain mean men. It doesn’t matter to these guys one bit that they have hurt you over and over again. What they do care about is that you are choosing to divorce them.

Your decision can trigger an ego injury – a “how dare you” response. The sense of entitlement that allowed them to lie, deceive, cheat, and steal during your marriage, can morph into an all-out desire to hurt you once you decide to leave.

Domestic violence experts tell us that the most dangerous time for a victim is when they leave their abuser. We also know that verbally abusive men can become physically abusive when placed in stressful situations. Even if your partner doesn’t become physically violent, they may pull some tricks from the dirty divorce playbook that you need to be ready for:

Transferring their paycheck to a new account to leave you without money
Emptying bank accounts
Canceling health insurance, car insurance, or cell phones
Damaging or threatening to damage property or pets
Making accusations about your fitness as a parent
Locking you out of the home
Telling family, friends or children outrageous lies
Threatening suicide

Plan Ahead

Make sure your decision is final. Do not use the threat of divorce to convince your partner to change.
Download my Exit Strategy Checklist
Establish an emergency fund.
Do all your financial analysis and know what you are entitled to. Check out my Ditch Your Divorce Fears Financial Planner for all the worksheets and instructions to get this going.
Meet with an attorney to review your case and have your paperwork ready to file for divorce if needed.
Practice or role-play with a coach, therapist, friend or family member so you don’t get thrown off course.
If you are afraid of how your partner might react, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to discuss a safety plan with an advocate.
Contact family/friends or a local shelter to arrange a safe place to stay.
Pack a go-bag with enough clothes/toiletries for you and the children for several days. Include cash, credit cards, insurance cards, car title, passport, and put the bag(s) in your car before you talk with your spouse.

Choose the Right Time/Location

Arrange ahead of time for you and your spouse to meet and allow enough time so neither of you will be rushed.
Choose a time when your partner won’t have been drinking or using other substances that would impair their emotional control.
Make plans for children (and perhaps pets) to be at their grandparent’s or at a friend’s house.
Choose a public location like a coffee shop or a busy park for your meeting.
Drive separately.
Arrange for a friend or family member to be nearby to watch for trouble.
If you must talk at home (not preferred), have someone in the house with you.

Straight Talk

Use a calm, but confident tone of voice.
Explain that despite ongoing efforts, the marriage is not meeting your needs and that you have decided to pursue divorce.
Do not defend your choice or rehash the past.
Close the door to the possibility of reconciliation.
You can affirm their feelings of sadness, disappointment, rejection – “I understand you are ___________” without taking responsibility for those feelings.
Reassure your partner that you are committed to working through the process with fairness and respect and putting your children’s best interests first.
Tell them you are confident that the two of you can work together to co-parent effectively and raise happy, healthy kids together even if you live separately.
Don’t discuss any details of parenting plans or financial settlement during this meeting.
If you feel afraid, unsafe or your partner threatens you physically, execute your emergency safety plan.

Next Steps

If the conversation has gone relatively well:

Give your spouse a few days to process the news, then ask if you can make a plan to tell the children together.
Ask how they would like to proceed with discussions about divorce logistics such as parenting plans and dividing up your financial life.
You can suggest discussing the work you’ve already done, show them a proposal, offer to schedule a meditation session, or let them know your attorney will be in touch.
Try to understand that your partner may be in a different stage of the grief process. You may have been thinking about this for months and come to accept it, while they just learned the news and may still be in denial, sadness, or anger.

If you were met with threats or notice a change in behavior or finances:

Keep your go-bag in your car (or at your safe place), your keys and phone with you at all times, and your emergency plan in place.
Call your attorney and discuss filing for divorce ASAP. You may need the protection of the court to enforce financial restraining orders, or temporary spousal and child support.
Talk to your children in an age-appropriate manner about what’s happening with mom and dad – get the support of a coach, therapist, or pastor if needed.
Do not engage with your spouse’s anger or accusations. Consider using the “Gray Rock” technique.
Do not discuss details of the divorce settlement or agree to anything regarding parenting schedules, property, child or spousal support.
If possible, communicate with your partner only in writing.

More Help on How to Say You Want a Divorce?

This is a tough conversation that requires planning and forethought. High-conflict or not, preparing for this conversation can set the stage for a divorce process that saves you time, money, and emotional energy.

Schedule a complimentary consultation and let’s talk about how you can say you want a divorce, safely.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

Wishing you strength and wisdom,