High Conflict Divorce Communication: It Can Cost You
Whenever two people communicate, words are important. But in divorce, using the wrong words in the wrong way can be expensive. And in high conflict divorce, communication can cost you anything from money to parenting time with your kids.
Remember This About High Conflict Divorce Communication
The way you communicate has more impact on the cost and final outcome of your case than you realize.
If you remember only one thing throughout your divorce, make it the line above. As a professional divorce coach, one of the things clients find most helpful is when we spend time in session preparing for conversations or working on editing written communications. Past relational patterns, high emotions, trauma responses, and fear can cause us to react and say things in ways that are not productive to either resolving settlement conflicts or protecting emotional peace.
Here are just a few of the ways failure to use words calmly and strategically can cost you in high conflict divorce communication:
Escalate Conflict with Your Spouse
In a high conflict divorce, expect your spouse to try every trick in the book to intimidate you, push your buttons, and get their own way. Understand that their goal is to destabilize you, make you question yourself, and get you to react in a way that benefits them.
Let’s say your spouse is blowing up your phone with texts about how you’re not going to get any spousal support and you’re going to have to quit homeschooling and go back to work. Of course that feels threatening and scary and you might be tempted to defend yourself.
Consider these 2 responses:
#1 You continue to reply explaining that’s it’s their affair that ruined the marriage, how the court will make them pay, and that you can’t believe they would do this to their own children.
Possible outcome: more texts, more anger, more fear and escalating conflict
#2 Reply one time with “We have a team of professionals that will help us figure out the best financial arrangement for our family. Let’s rely on their expertise to guide us.” Then don’t respond again. Keep working with your attorney to understand your legal position.
Possible outcome: your spouse may still text, but you can maintain peace
The more you can maintain boundaries, the more likely it is that your spouse will learn they can’t get a reaction from you. If the idea of boundaries is new for you, check out this post on Effective Boundaries. These are perfect situations to work with your divorce coach to create scripts you can use over and over like a broken record. When you’re prepared to respond, it’s less emotionally taxing and you can be sure you aren’t adding fuel to the conflict fire. One great resource is Tina Swithin’s list of canned responses from One Mom’s Battle which you can download here.
Complicate Working with Your Attorney
Two truths it’s important to keep in mind even if you have the best attorney on the planet: 1) they bill for every minute they spend on your case and 2) they are busy and you are one of many clients.
If you communicate emotionally with your attorney by firing off a multi-paragraph email every time you have questions, get scared or have a problem with your spouse, you’ll see a big bill and make it difficult for your attorney to give you the specific legal advice you need.
Consider these 2 scenarios:
#1 You send your attorney a long email detailing all the mean things your spouse has done lately referencing prior emails, include details about your feelings and reactions, and a litany of reasons why that means you should get the house.
Possible outcome: bill for $200-$400 to read this email and the prior emails you reference, a reply that contains no legal guidance as to whether you might be able to keep the house
#2 You send a brief email “Per our last conversation, one of my priorities is to maintain the house. The five bullet points below are my main arguments. Do you believe we are in a strong position and/or is there something else I can provide you with to support my case?”
Possible outcome: smaller attorney bill, specific legal feedback as to the status of your case
I always recommend a couple of strategies for communicating well with your attorney. First, always write in bullets points or a number list and keep sentences short. And second, maintain a google doc of all the outstanding issues in your case and the status or latest update. You can update this and share it with your attorney at any time to be certain you understand where everything stands.
Create Obstacles to Effective Negotiation
Imagine you’re in mediation with your spouse and you propose a parenting plan where he/she has the children every other weekend and dinner one weeknight. They respond that they intend to have 50/50 parenting time. The way you respond to this can create a wall and shut down negotiations or it can keep the conversation going.
Consider these 2 responses:
#1 “Are you kidding me? That’s ridiculous. You’ve never been interested in the kids, you don’t know anything about their routines or their care, and you’ve always worked crazy hours and left all the parenting to me me. NOW all of a sudden you want to spend ALL this time with them? Give me a break. You’re just trying to pay less child support!”
Possible outcome: defensiveness, arguments, digging into positions, negotiations come to a halt
#2 “I love that you’re interested in spending more time with our kids. Can you tell me a little more about how you see that playing out with your work and travel schedule?”
Possible outcome: open dialogue about spouse’s schedule constraints, improved chances of resolution
When negotiating with a narcissist, borderline or other high conflict personality, it’s critical that they get a win. Backing them into a corner with accusations or criticism will not lead to your desired outcome. You have a much better chance of getting what you want by posing curious questions that lead to them discovering their proposal isn’t feasible.
Jeopardize Your Case
You’re divorcing for a reason and it’s probably because your spouse is not a stellar human being. I get it. But if you’re facing a custody battle, it’s even more important to be mindful of your high conflict divorce communication. Not only is what you say to your spouse important, but pay attention to what you’re saying to other people as well.
Consider these 2 options:
#1 You talk freely to anyone and everyone about what a dirtbag your spouse is. Discuss the details of their affair, porn addiction, drinking, or emotional abuse with or in front of the children. Post disparaging remarks on social media, contact affair partners, or send long emails to your spouse’s family/friends outlining the sordid details of their behavior. For more on this topic, check out my post on Drinking Divorce Poison.
Possible outcome: your strategy could backfire and you may be seen as the high conflict parent or emotionally unstable
#2 You save talk about your hurt and anger for safe friends, support groups, or your therapist – and always in a kid-free environment. You work with your divorce coach, co-parenting coach, or therapist to craft age-appropriate messages for your children.
Possible outcome: you are demonstrating healthy coping skills and putting your children’s best interests first which will reflect favorably on you
Remember, anything you write, say, post or do could end up in court. If you wouldn’t want to read that message in front of a judge, don’t send it. If you would be embarrassed in front of your children, don’t do it. All eyes are on you in a high conflict divorce and your spouse is taking detailed notes. If you want to present as the healthy, cooperative, non-conflict parent, you’ll need to be diligent about your communication.
Compromise Your Recovery
Believe it or not, this is going to end at some point and you’ll be ready to get on with your post-divorce life. However, if ineffective communication has caused you to escalate conflict, suffer financial hardship, or create negative outcomes, your recovery journey might be more difficult than it needed to be.
The emotional toll of high conflict divorce is already burdensome. If you’ve lived on a steady diet of adrenaline and cortisol for months or years on end, then your body and your nervous system have already taken a beating. The stress, fear, and pressure of a long, drawn-out divorce can be brutal.
Safe, strategic, effective communication is the best way to maintain peace in the middle of this chaos. No, it won’t change your spouse – if only you had that power – but it can change you. It can decrease the stress hormones coursing through your body. It can help you maintain a sense of equilibrium so you can work, parent, and live while the shit storm swirls around you.
You will be able to enter the next phase of your life satisfied that you did everything within your power to be respectful and reasonable. You won’t be dragging along a big suitcase of shame, regret, or embarrassment that you’ll need to unpack before you can move on.
Paying attention to your words during divorce creates the best possible environment for you and your children after divorce. And isn’t that really the end goal?
Need More Help with High Conflict Divorce Communication?
Let’s talk about it. You would be surprised what a difference the right kind of communication can make in your case. Not only can it save money, time and emotional energy, but it offers the chance to:
- De-escalate conflict with your spouse
- Have a great working relationship with your attorney
- Be able to sleep well at night knowing you did your best
Words matter in any divorce, but high conflict divorce communication has even more at stake for you and your children. If your spouse is pushing your hot buttons and tempting you to respond emotionally, a little bit of support could make a big difference.
Wishing you strength and wisdom,
