Divorcing a Sex Addict: 8 Tips to Be Prepared
First you had the shock of discovery or confession, then perhaps a long battle while he tried “recovery” activities like a 12-step group, seeing a CSAT, or accountability groups at church. Sadly, you’ve haven’t experienced the heart change you longed for and have come to the difficult decision that it’s time to go your separate ways. Here are some of the things you need to consider when divorcing a sex addict:
- Stay on the down low until you’re fully ready to divorce
- Put some safety measures in place in case things go sideways
- Plan how and when to tell your partner
- Understand how family court works
- Pay attention to what you say and how you say it
- Hire the right mediator, attorney, divorce coach, financial professional
- Have reasonable expectations of what you can and can’t expect from a settlement
- Be on guard and watch for signs that conflict is escalating
As I’ve covered in previous posts on “sex addiction” I believe that traditional sex addiction therapy seems to offer way too much protection for the offender and not enough support for the victim. I prefer the term “cheater” because most of the women I’ve worked with have or could have forgiven the infidelity. It’s the lying and deception that eventually kills the relationship. I just had to say that…now on to divorce tips.
Divorcing a Sex Addict
I’ll just go ahead and put the bad news at the top of this post. If you’re divorcing a sex addict, cheater, emotional abuser, narcissist, or any version of unsavory character, please…do not expect the legal system to offer you emotional justice. Divorce is primarily the breaking of a financial contract and the law is applied, except in rare cases, as if the assets and debts of the marriage and parenting time should be divided on a relatively equal basis regardless of his behavior. Without his agreement, it won’t award a larger portion of assets, increase a spousal support award, or decrease his time with the kids because he behaved badly.
I know it sucks and it isn’t fair. I just wanted to lay that out upfront because you know you can count on me not to sugarcoat things.
Stay on the Down Low
Operate in stealth mode and don’t threaten divorce until it’s time. Especially if you’re a stay-at-home parent, earn a lot less, or don’t have access to your marital money. Put on your best face and act an Emmy award-winning performance until you are in the best position to move.
Enact Safety Measures
Are you familiar with the phrase “Hope for the best, but plan for the worst”? Divorcing a sex addict calls for this exact approach and I call it creating an Exit Strategy. It includes several steps that you can take to set yourself up to be protected in the event things get bad quickly. On page 8 of my book High-Conflict Divorce for Women, you’ll find tips for creating an emergency plan.
Plan the Conversation
How you begin this process can have a big impact. That conversation when you finally tell your spouse you want a divorce can set the tone for the rest of your divorce. I’ve written a guide with lots of tips in this post. The most important thing to remember is that this isn’t a long, drawn-out discussion where you try to convince him to agree or understand. It’s a courtesy conversation to let him know about the decision you’ve made.
Understand Family Court
You’ll want to learn about uncontested vs contested divorce (or in some states dissolution vs divorce) and whether you live in an equitable division or community property state. You may also want to do a little digging on how your state treats assets that were owned before the marriage or how they approach inherited assets. You might have questions about spousal support and child support. Regardless of whether you ultimately hire an attorney to represent you or choose mediation, you may want to consult with a family law attorney to get legal input on issues of importance to you.
Mind Your Communication
Think twice about texts, emails, social media posts, and conversations in front of your kids during divorce. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can escalate the conflict, compromise your case, and hurt your children. Keep in mind that the most important person who might read your communications is not your spouse/ex, it might be a judge, custody evaluator, or other court official. The BIFF method can be a big help.
Hire the Right Team
Depending on the complexity and level of conflict in your case, you may very little professional involvement. Or you may require a whole team of legal, financial, and mental health professionals to help you through. If you decide to engage with a family law attorney, choosing the right one is critically important for you to feel secure and protected when divorcing a sex addict. Working with a divorce coach before and during your divorce can also help save time, money, and emotional energy so you can make confident decisions and focus on what’s important to you.
Manage Your Expectations
Both your divorce coach and your attorney/mediator can help you understand what to expect from the process. One thing most clients don’t expect is how long it takes to get divorced. The average divorce can take 9, 12, or 18 months (or more) before it is finalized. All that depends on how complicated your marital estate is and the level of conflict involved. Also, we can’t predict is how your spouse will respond once you announce your intention to divorce and the process begins. And remember, the legal system rarely “punishes” these partners for their misdeeds and the damage they’ve done to you and your kids. Check with an attorney for input about your specific case.
Watch for Signs of Escalation
It isn’t unusual for things to start off relatively amicable, but heat up once negotiations begin. As you dive into parenting plans, splitting the 401(k), and discussions about spousal support, well…things change. And if you’re divorcing a sex addict, they may not take kindly to giving up things and money they feel entitled to. Read more here about narcissistic divorce temper tantrums. Watch for shifts in financial transparency, failure to communicate, increased secrecy, and refusal to turn in requested documents.
Final Thoughts on Divorcing a Sex Addict
In my experience, partners who have betrayed their spouses behave in one of two ways. They either feel such remorse that they are generous and make the divorce relatively cooperative or they flip a switch and become high conflict. As always, the best strategy is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. You set yourself up for the best possible outcome by being strategic, managing your emotions, and de-escalating conflict whenever you’re able.
If you’re just beginning to think about divorce, let’s talk. Working with a certified divorce coach well before the process begins can start you off feeling confident and prepared.
Wishing you strength and wisdom,
