Divorce During the Holidays: Put Yourself First
Holidays usually create some stress for most loving family. I mean who doesn’t have weird Uncle or cousin who shows up and makes things uncomfortable? Or someone who hits the eggnog a little too hard? But if you’re separated or through divorce during the holidays, your crazy can cranked up whole bunch.
This may the first year you’re sharing the kids with your partner and you won’t together as family. Or you’re still sharing home, but you cut the tension within knife and nobody really knows to navigate this new normal.
Divorce is opportunity to refocus on yourself and what you need. And the holidays are no exception. Here is truth that want you hold close:
You are not obligated to play happy family and hurt yourself in order to cater to other people’s wants – including your children.
Let this be your flight attendant announcement reminding you that you must put your own oxygen mask on first. This time of year is especially hard for people going through divorce. Others may be expecting you “bigger person” or “suck it up” the sake of kids. I call BS. You wouldn’t tell them to suck it up if their mom or dad or spouse just died, so tell them to cut it out.
Here are a few strategies that can help you stay sane and strong this year.
Grieve and Get Support
Divorce is a loss and any big loss demands that we go through a grieving process. Divorce during the holidays can intensify this sense of loss. You may spend part of the time without your children or may be giving up some people and traditions that you have grown to love. Try to acknowledge your feelings, understand the stage of grief you’re in, why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, and get the support you need to keep moving through to the next phase. Know that what you are experiencing is normal and there is no need to shove it down or pretend.
Question: Who are the safe people in your life you can share with? Do you need a little extra support right now?
Tame the Beast
Take care of yourself so you can manage your own emotions the best you can. Divorce is considered the second most stressful life event you can experience, so it’s normal for everyone involved to have some strong emotions. Divorce during the holidays just adds to that stress with all the extra pressure. Also, keep in mind that you have more power than you realize to regulate the emotional temperature of your environment during holiday gatherings. Check out this post for some tips on staying cool when things heat up.
Question: Are you taking good care of yourself by eating right, getting enough sleep, taking some time for exercise and being creative? Can you add in some extra “you time” during the holidays to help offset the extra stress?
Prepare, Prepare, Prepare
You’ve heard the saying the best offense is a good defense? Well it’s true and it requires a proper game plan. Do what you can to plan so you don’t fall victim to last minute stress. Make lists, cook ahead if you can, order gifts online, and see if you can’t lower your expectations just a bit. What’s the worst that can happen if every surface in your house doesn’t get decorated with Christmas gnomes? Or if you don’t cook all 27 side dishes this year?
Question: What advice would you give a friend going through what you are? Would encourage her to take it easy this year?
Set Boundaries Ahead of Time
Ah, boundaries. To those who are dysfunctional, boundaries can feel like garlic to a vampire. But once you begin your healing journey, you know how critical they are to your emotional health and safety. Divorce is really hard and private – divorce during the holidays can be doubly difficult. Not everyone who will be in your space during this season will be speaking to you in a safe or supportive way. Think about the kinds of situations you are likely to encounter and the limits you might need to place to keep yourself from being hurt or violated. Get help from a friend or counselor/coach if boundaries are still a difficult thing for you.
Question: What boundaries do you need to set to protect yourself? Someone else to help drop off and pick up the kids? Pre-planned responses for comments/questions from others? Saying “no” to being around an affair partner or new girlfriend?
Exit Strategy
If all else fails and things turn into a shit show at grandma’s house, have a plan to get out. Have your own car, a pre-arranged signal set up with your ride, or a designated space you can retreat to. Listen, it happens. You have every intention of trying to enjoy yourself or make the holiday great for the kids, but someone says something or your soon-to-be-ex gives you a look and you just break down. Allow yourself to have feelings about this and take care of you. I will say it again, you are not obligated to play happy family or eat a shit sandwich for other people’s comfort. Yes, you should be kind, but you don’t have to be a doormat.
Question: What can you set up ahead of time so you don’t find yourself stuck somewhere you don’t want to be? And remember, if you know you don’t want to go, you are allowed to say no.
New Traditions
If you are going through divorce during the holidays, the traditions you used to look forward to may be changing. Especially if the children are now sharing holiday time with your ex. It will be really helpful for you and your kids to begin to create some new traditions of your own – to fill that void with something positive. Shake off old expectations and try something new. Maybe Thanksgiving this year is pizza, pj’s and movies in bed. Or serving at the homeless shelter together. Christmas or Hanukkah might include cooking for other single friends.
Question: What other ideas can you come up with for new traditions that would feel meaningful to you? Or things your ex never wanted to do (Nutcracker ballet or ski trip anyone)?
Gift Expectations
Finally, the only holiday expectations you need to be concerned with are your own. You need to come through this season and this divorce as whole and healthy as you possibly can. And that includes gift giving. If you are in a different financial position this year, adjust gifts accordingly. Putting yourself in debt or sacrificing your financial security will only add to your fear and anxiety. Make financial choices that are best for you, not best for others. That is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your children.
Question: Homemade presents, photos or videos, gifts of service or companionship, small donations to a charity of importance – these are just a few ideas for keeping costs low. What else can you brainstorm?
Need More Help with Divorce During the Holidays?
I understand that the holidays can get you down. If you could use some extra support for divorce during the holidays, I would be honored to help with that. Just schedule a complimentary consult call and let’s chat about how coaching might be just the boost you need to head into the new year with more peace and confidence.
Wishing you strength and wisdom,
