Can Your Relationship Survive Betrayal?
Today’s guest post is from Savannah Esposito, my friend and relationship coach over at The Modern Mr. and Mrs. Just like me, Savannah experienced her own betrayal trauma and has a great handle on what it takes to rebuild trust and intimacy. Read on for some great insights.
Relationships go through many trials over the years, and sadly, betrayal can be a common trial many couples face. In this day and age, it’s infinitely easier to betray your partner. Whether your partner cheated physically, emotionally, mentally (porn), financially, etc. it cuts deeply and can shake you to your core.
When I work with my clients I tell them that society’s definition of cheating and betrayal is very black and white (did you have sex? Yes? You cheated). Betrayal comes in shades of grey. Each relationship has their own comfort levels, their own boundaries, their own little world. Some relationships are open, some relationships are purely monogamous, and it’s important for each partner in the relationship to understand the nuances of the boundaries and expectations.
When your partner does actively, knowingly, and voluntarily, betray you it’s one of the most painful things. You question yourself, your reality, your life, and more. For a while you may feel absolutely crazy and alone, thinking no one will understand your pain. Let me be the first to tell you that you’re not alone. I’ve personally been through betrayal myself and my husband and I have worked very hard on our relationship.
Our journey in healing was not smooth sailing, it had plenty of bumps in the road. For me, I had to detach from my husband’s porn addiction, realizing it wasn’t about me. For him, he had to learn about Betrayal Trauma. Betrayal trauma happens when there has been a traumatic betrayal in the relationship and you are shocked physically and emotionally. Betrayal Trauma is much like PTSD with the reactions, triggers, and flashbacks. Learning about Betrayal Trauma is a huge part of the healing process for both the betrayed and the betrayer.
Relationships can survive lots of challenges and obstacles, including infidelity and porn and sex addiction. The thing that separates couples that make it and couples that don’t is how they handle the fall out.
As the betrayed spouse/partner your entire world has been flipped upside down and you don’t even know if you can trust yourself. In the first three months, you’re going to be in a blur, trying to just hang on and get a grip on reality. During those first three months, how the unfaithful handles your emotional ups and downs can set the tone for recovering the relationship.
If you’re the unfaithful reading this, follow these things and you will be setting a very good tone moving forward.
Key Things to Rebuild Trust
Selflessness + Empathy
This means that as the unfaithful, you’re going to have to show remorse, and you’re going to have to empathize with your betrayed partner. This can be challenging for some, especially if your betrayal was addiction related, but learning the skill of empathy is the key that will make or break the relationship in the end. You may not get empathy right the first couple times, but if you’re actively learning, reading, going to therapy, and building that empathy skill it will show your betrayed that you are trying.
Selflessness means that you’re going to be putting your betrayed first. If your betrayed wants to know how long the affair lasted, you tell them. Yes, it might be uncomfortable for you, but imagine how uncomfortable it is for them to even have to ask that question. During the first couple months, show your betrayed that you are validating their emotions, putting their emotional needs at the forefront as you try to heal the relationship. If you refuse to talk about it, if you lie to yourself and say, “I’m only trying to protect your feelings” you are not safe. You are showing your betrayed you are not trustworthy and that you will never be trustworthy if you can’t answer the questions they need to heal.
Consistency
Consistency means that you are doing something every day… without consistency, trust will never be rebuilt. If you say you’re going to take out the trash every week and you fail to be consistent with it, then you’re eroding more trust. This is where Micro-Trust comes in, which honestly is the first step to rebuilding. If you can’t even build Micro-Trust, you’re not going to ever repair the higher levels of trust. Micro-Trust includes those everyday things like taking the dog for a walk, being home when you say you will be home, all actions and words matching, cleaning the kitchen, etc. Being consistent with Micro-Trust will give your recovery a huge boost! You will be rebuilding trust much faster than couples where the unfaithful can’t keep their word about anything.
Validation + Patience
Validating your betrayed partner is huge! If you don’t validate them, they are not going to trust you. If you say they are over reacting, it was only a kiss, it’s just porn, etc. you are invalidating them and telling them they don’t have a right to be hurt. This is a recipe for disaster when it comes to trying to make amends. If they are having a really rough day with Betrayal Trauma, you can tell them, “I can’t imagine how tough that is. I am so sorry that I am the cause of this. Is there anything I can do to make today any easier?” That’s it. Say something validating, something to offer your help and shut up. If you get defensive over their pain because it’s bringing up shame in you, you’re only pushing them farther away and showing them that you can’t handle the pain that you’ve caused… and eventually they will stop trying, which means the relationship is over.
Time
They say time heals all wounds, and that is partly true. You cannot rush betrayal recovery. You just can’t. It will happen when it happens. They say the average time to recover is 3-5 years. Now, what they don’t always say is that 3-5 year mark starts when the unfaithful actually starts recovering. If your wife found out in December 2015 about your affair and you continued your affair, you continued to gaslight her, you continued to lie and be secretive, and you finally cut ties and put both feet into your marriage in 2017… well, the 3-5 mark of healing starts in 2017, not 2015.
A lot of men that I’ve talked to and worked with have struggled to understand that lies, betrayals, things that are shady or omitted reset the clock back to day 1 for healing from betrayal trauma. This is why I always tell my clients to be honest, get that full disclosure done with the right way the first time that way you can really heal. Someone I know had their full disclosure and the wife needed an in-house separation. Then 9-12 months later revealed a bigger secret about an actual one night stand and now they are in separate houses because he wasn’t honest the first time around. So, truly, be honest from the get-go when you’re caught, don’t omit out of shame. Work with a therapist or coach to help you through this process.
Just remember that every lie and new betrayal sets the clock back to zero. Healing takes time, and the time it takes is 100% up to you and your efforts towards healing.
Commitment to Recovery
This one is for both the betrayed and the unfaithful. The betrayed needs to work their own individual recovery to heal. They need to process, grieve, get their anger out, figure out what is reality, and work towards healing themselves. Same goes for the unfaithful, they need to figure out why they chose to be unfaithful. Yes, it’s a choice, even when addicted, it’s still a choice. Taking a hard look at yourself in the mirror is what is needed for the unfaithful. They need to really understand what happened, what made them act out, why did they do this, why did they risk everything, etc.
If your betrayed partner sees that you’re not working recovery, you’re not going to 12-step meetings, you’re not going to your therapy or coaching sessions, you’re not doing your recovery reading, then you are communicating that you are unsafe, you are still the person that hurt them, and that they should not trust you. So, Unfaithful, work recovery! As they say in 12-step, “It works when you work it.”
Commitment to Relationship
This one is absolutely key! You must be 100% in the relationship. If you are not in the relationship, why should the betrayed even take the chance to rebuild with you? That means whatever your betrayed needs to heal, you do. If you don’t have social media because you were cheating through that, you give social media up. If you cheated at a bar, you don’t go to bars. If you had an affair with a coworker, you change jobs. You do what is best for the relationship healing. If you get defensive, angry, tell the betrayed they are crazy and need to get over it and it’s not a big deal and you’ll do what you want when you want…I can be the first to tell you that you will lose your partner. You will further damage them and they will know you’re not trustworthy. Trustworthy people have nothing to hide and are willing to do what is necessary to rebuild trust.
Will You Chose to Save Your Relationship?
If you’re reading this, know that this choice is up to you. You both can chose to save the relationship, but that means a long, rocky, hard and well worth it journey. There are going to be hard times, and then there are going to be better times. But if you and your partner both know that you love each other, and if you, Unfaithful, are willing to own your choices and change and grow and become the partner your betrayed always deserved, then work recovery and save your relationship. I know you can do it. If you want it, you will do it. If you follow the tips above, your journey toward reconciliation will go faster and smoother because you will know the pitfalls to avoid. I wish you the best of luck in recovery, both individual and relational!
About Savannah
Savannah Esposito, from The Modern Mr. and Mrs., is a relationship coach who works with couples struggling with trust, communication, and sexual intimacy by addressing the deeper issues blocking true intimacy with each other and giving couples skills that last a lifetime to keep the intimacy and spark alive. If you’re interested in working with her, book a free strategy session here.
If you’ve been betrayed and you’re not sure where you stand, learn more about how I work with clients in Stay, Wait or Coaching.
If your partner just isn’t doing the work to rebuild trust in the relationship, lets’s talk about getting your exit strategy in place. Yes, miracles can happen, but why not be prepared in case your miracle doesn’t include saving your marriage?
Wishing you strength and wisdom,
