Beef Jerky and Poster Board: a New Kind of Christmas After Divorce
Does this sound weird to you? Who has beef jerky for Christmas Eve dinner? Shouldn’t it be turkey or prime rib or some fancy feast? Aren’t you supposed to do Christmas the same way your family has done it for the past 12 generations or something will go wrong in the universe?
Listen, the first Christmas (or two or three) during and after divorce can be hard to adjust to. Nothing is the same.
If it changes your life…let it.
I posted a video on Facebook this week (click here to see it) where I talked about how struggling against the changes divorce brings can make things harder for us.
Your kids may be with their other parent for part of the holiday time. You aren’t invited to your in laws any longer like you have been for the past 20 years. Maybe you can’t afford the high priced gifts you gave in the past. Or you’re back to work and don’t have the time off to travel to visit friends and relatives. Things are just different.
It can suck the joy right out of you.
Or you can fight back.
Leaning in to Uncomfortable
You can do what my friend and author Kristi Smith recommends and “Embrace Awkward”. That means leaning into the uncomfortable and facing your fears. If you’re struggling with feelings of loss and grief this season, I highly recommend Kristi’s book Dream…a guide to grieving gracefully – check it out here.
The key is to make Christmas whatever you need it to be this year. Lean into your feelings of grief and sadness that it’s not the same, but find a way to be OK with that.
Make a commitment to throw out the old and usher in the new just like a client of mine is doing this year.
He and his son are having a hard time with the separation. It’s an emotional and a financial strain. And to add insult to injury, he lost both his parents within the last couple of years. This Christmas feels cold and heavy to him and the old traditions seem empty.
But we came up with a plan to fight back – to create some memories and some joy on a budget.
Step One: Decorations
Six pieces of foamcore, some wrapping paper and some creativity provided unique pieces of Christmas artwork to decorate his walls. Those, in addition to a $22 pre-lit tree and the place is looking super festive for under $40.
And for a little bit of tradition, mom’s old table cloth. He pointed out to me that if you look closely near the salt and pepper, you can see the tears in this tablecloth that have been mended over the years – signs of love from all those past family holiday meals. Having this makes him feel like he has little piece of the old among the new.
Step Two: New Traditions
It’s just going to be him, his sister and his son, so trying to replicate the huge (and expensive) traditional feast with all the fixings didn’t seem like a great idea. Instead, they decided to create a new family tradition of making beef jerky on Christmas Eve.
They’ll get to spend quality time together experimenting with recipes and then on Christmas Day, enjoy the tasty treats they created. They’re even planning a little competition to see who can come up with the best recipe.
Beef jerky and poster board may not be what you see on Pinterest and Facebook, but they’re the right choices for my client. He is creating a Christmas that works for him without worrying about anybody else’s expectations. And that’s a huge win in my book.
Making New Memories
Your new traditions may not include beef jerky, but I know that you can create new, wonderful memories when you are willing to let go of the old. You might go ice skating or serve at the homeless shelter. Maybe this year you have Christmas brunch instead of dinner. (I actually recommend this because…mimosas!). Or you make a thermos full of hot chocolate and drive around to look at all the lights. Or eat pizza in bed. Different is not less than. Please repeat that as often as necessary. Different is not less than. For more tips on surviving the holidays, click here.
I’m Here During the Holidays
I know Christmas is hard. That’s why I am keeping my office open and even taking extra appointments. Just click below for direct access to my calendar, Schedule a complimentary consultation if you’d like to find out more about how I work with clients to support them through these difficult times.
Wishing you strength and wisdom,
