But That’s Not Fair! And Other Divorce Realities
But that’s not fair!
I know I know. It can definitely feel that way – especially in the middle of your divorce. When your partner has lied, cheated, or is playing from the dirty divorce handbook and it seems like they’re getting away with it all.
I wish I could tell you that it always works out in the end and you will emerge victorious. But sometimes you and the law have different definitions of what’s fair – and frankly, that sucks. It really does.
I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but knowing a few of these things up front may save you a lot of emotional energy. And it’ll save you a ton of money if you can avoid spending a bunch of time complaining about it to your $400/hour attorney.
Quick action, smart analysis, and keeping a cool head are what you need to navigate your way through the land mines of divorce.
My Spouse Cut Me Off and Now I Don’t Have Money!
This is a pretty standard dirty divorce trick and the #1 reason I really like to work with clients BEFORE divorce so we can get some safety measures in place. If your spouse is the primary earner, they might empty your joint accounts and redirect their paycheck to a new account where you don’t have access. If you aren’t prepared, this could leave you without money for basics like groceries and gas. Read more here about how an exit strategy helps you plan for this possibility.
Other than begging, what can you do if your partner pulls this one? First, talk with your attorney about getting the legal process started for temporary spousal support, child support, or payment of bills. Next, apply for a credit card in your own name and ask friends and relatives for support. Even if temporary support orders are filed, it will take time for the court to hear your request and for the money to actually make it into your hands.
My Partner Cheated – Why Don’t They Have to Pay?
You’re heartbroken. You’ve invested years or decades in this relationship, maybe given up a career to follow them or raise children, and now they’ve just thrown all that away. The life you hoped for, the retirement you planned for and the family you thought would last forever have disappeared.
The introduction of no-fault divorce has both good and bad consequences. The good news is that you can get divorced without having to prove adultery, insanity or abuse. The downside is that the law assumes both parties are equally at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. That means that in most cases the law doesn’t care who cheated, who did what mean thing, or who lied. The fact that you are hurt and betrayed may have no impact on the division of assets, child support or spousal support.
There may be a few exceptions in the case of significant dissipation of marital assets (spending money on drugs, gambling, affair partners, and so on). And some states will still consider adultery or abuse when it comes time to divide the major assets, but a 50/50 split is the standard in most situations unless you can make a really compelling argument otherwise. And by compelling, I mean something so egregious that the court (judge or magistrate) will be a bit shocked.
They’re Lying! How Can They Get Away With That?
Dirty divorce tricks in this category come in 2 forms. First is financial – failing to disclose financial assets, under-reporting income, selling or moving assets, or taking withdrawals/loans without your knowledge. Your first defense against this is to be as knowledgeable as possible about your marital finances. Review several years of personal and business tax returns; bank, investment, and retirement account statements; and check your credit report. You may need to enlist the services of a CDFA® (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) or forensic accountant. Once again, if you can get ahead of the game by working with a coach or financial professional BEFORE divorce, you reduce the chances of this happening.
The second kind of trick is intended to tarnish your character in some way. It may include making untrue statements about your ability to parent, your mental health or claiming you have an addiction. This one is really low and you must be prepared to show documentation and demonstrate stellar behavior to dispute it. He said/she said won’t go far in court and if the judge believes the children are in danger, they may rule in favor of your partner, at least temporarily until all can be sorted out.
I Can’t Live on That!
It’s a fact that the money that used to support one household will now support two and it simply isn’t going to stretch as far. Unless your spouse is being generous (not likely if you’re reading this), then you will probably have to find ways to increase your income, cut expenses or both. If you’ve been a stay-at-home parent, you will be expected to earn some sort of income. Start thinking about how you could earn income from home or work part-time. Or perhaps you can negotiate for higher spousal support for a few years to go back to school or ask for your partner to cover the cost of tuition to get additional training.
Consider places where you can reduce expenses. Here are just a few ideas:
- Get an Amazon Fire Stick ($39.99) to watch NetFlix and Prime videos and cancel the cable
- Meal prep once or twice a week to curb your urge to grab expensive convenience or restaurant meals
- Color your own hair every other time
- Look into alternative cell phone and insurance plans
- Use the online grocery shop and pick up services to help you stick to your list
- Use a budgeting app like Mint or YNAB (You Need a Budget) to track spending and reduce impulse purchases
- Swap babysitting or carpool rides to school/practice with a neighbor
- Make your own laundry detergent and cleaners
- Buy necessities in bulk (toilet paper, paper towels, etc…
And take a good, hard look at your post-divorce budget before you dig your heels in about keeping the house. Make certain you have enough room in your finances to cover repairs and upkeep. Are you prepared to cover the cost of a new water heater, new AC unit or a new roof? Check out this post to learn more about taking control of your finances.
Choose Your Battles
In an ideal world, all divorcing couples would treat each other with the utmost fairness and honesty. I hope that will be your case, but sometimes emotions run hot and even good people behave badly. When it comes to divorce, sometimes you have to decide if the fight is worth it – or if letting go of that particular issue is just the price of freedom.
For example, let’s say you’re likely to get spousal support for 5 years and your partner offers you $200/month less than you think you deserve. Over the course of 5 years that equals $12,000 – that seems like a ton of money to leave on the table, right? Now let’s think about how much going to trial over that will cost and how long it will delay your divorce. It could be $10,000 and 6 months. Is that worth it? You might net $2,000 over the next 5 years, but owe your lawyer $10,000 now and face a trial where the judge could decide either way.
But what if your spouse is hiding a $250,000 property somewhere? Now that might be worth fighting for. It’s all about making decisions that protect your money AND your emotional health. A good coach can help you sort through the noise so you are making smart choices that feel right for you.
Avoid the Land Mines and Save Your Money
Divorce is never easy, but when you’re feeling like everything is one-sided and you’re being taken advantage of, it can be even harder. But being charged an arm and a leg for every email, phone call and meeting with your attorney to fuss about it isn’t in your best interest either.
Schedule a complimentary consultation. Let’s talk about how I help clients stay calm and work as their own best advocates in divorce.
Wishing you strength and wisdom,
