Being a stay at home mom is an awesome job. Raising the next generation of humans is a great responsibility and a great pleasure for many of us. But when the marriage starts to fall apart, SAHM’s can feel trapped. When you’ve been financially dependent on your partner, it adds a layer of worries to the already long list of divorce concerns.

• How will I support myself and the kids?
• How much child support and spousal support might I receive?
• Will we have to move or can I keep the house?
• Will I have to go back to work?
• How will I get health insurance?
• On, and on, and on…

It’s a lot and I’ll bet you’ve been putting off this decision for years. I know I did.

Still not sure if divorce is the right answer? Great. I applaud you for not rushing into anything. Even as a divorce coach, I love using my skills to save a marriage anytime we can. Want to take a hard look at where your marriage really stands and whether it’s the right time to split up?

Stay, Wait or Go Coaching is a great place to dig into this.

I’m not an attorney and can’t give you legal advice for your specific state or situation. However, what I can do is prepare you for the process, guide you through it so you can avoid mistakes and help you come out on the other side a healthier and more confident person. Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, here are just a few things that stay at home moms need to know about divorce.

1. Planning is Critical

I’ve written here about the importance of a divorce exit strategy And this is especially true for stay at home moms in divorce. Your goal should be to have the best outcome possible and I’m not only talking about money. You also want to maintain your sanity, your peace, relationships and your children’s sense of security and wholeness.

Planning ahead allows you the time and space to do that – or at least create the best chance for positive outcomes.

A proper divorce exit strategy is the foundation for giving yourself the best chance for a good divorce and protecting yourself in the case of a bad divorce.

Hope for the best and plan for the worst. I wish I could say that people are always kind to each other and honest with each other in divorce. But I have to tell you that often it just isn’t the case. Once money is on the table, things can go sideways. What do you have in place if your partner cuts off financial support? Do you have copies/photos to document assets in the event they would go missing? If this sounds dark, I’m sorry. I am here to protect your interests.

Plan ahead by getting a support team together, putting precautions in place and planning for good communication.

2. Knowledge is the Antidote to Fear

Fear of the unknown keeps us from moving forward. For stay at home moms to take that first step toward divorce, you need to be in information gathering mode. This is the time to familiarize yourself with local laws, your financial situation and get clear about what you want.

A quick Google search can provide you with information about divorce law in your state or check out this resource. Schedule consultations with at least 3 attorneys that specialize in family law and are very familiar with the courts and judges in your jurisdiction.

Each state has it’s own version of a financial disclosure statement that asks you to list your assets, debts and living expenses. You can read more about that here and even download a budget worksheet tool. Doing the legwork to understand your own financial situation gives you the right foundation to evaluate settlement offers and propose counter offers.

In order to be a successful negotiator, you must know what you want. For example, would you rather get cash in your settlement or are you more concerned about a substantial retirement account? Do you want the crystal or the china? Are there visitation schedules or details of a parenting plan that are critical for you? Remember to examine the short term, long term, and tax implications of all your choices.

3. Take Your Time

Once you decide to divorce, everything will feel urgent and important. Work with your coach to prioritize what needs to be done. Understand that divorce is a marathon, not a sprint and it will take longer than you expect. Especially if you are working toward a dissolution, decisions do not need to made TODAY. Take time to meet with your team, gather information, and care for yourself. Don’t feel rushed to agree to something that doesn’t feel right just because your partner is pressuring you or because it feels uncomfortable.

Throwing in the towel to get the divorce over with quickly is one of the major mistakes I see people make. While this strategy may temporarily end the pain of conflict, it compromises your future security. It also gives your self esteem a real beat down and leaves you feeling like a victim.

 

 

The folks at DivorceCare tell us that up to 85% of your energy can be allocated to processing your emotions during divorce. That doesn’t leave a lot of reserve for the rest of your life. Eat right, rest, read devotionals or other uplifting materials, and connect with friends. Find ways in the midst of this crazy to find some pockets of peace and joy.

It is never more important than during divorce to put your own oxygen mask on first.

4. Stand Up for Yourself

I often find that SAHM’s have deferred to their partners throughout their marriage and they tend to want to do that during divorce as well. Putting the needs of others first can come naturally to the nurturer in you. Silencing your own voice or quieting your own needs to keep the peace may have been the way you kept the marriage going.

Those strategies worked in the past, but now there’s a new sheriff in town. It’s time to learn the magic of assertiveness. Your goal is to up your game and improve your ability to speak confidently, manage conflict, establish boundaries and negotiate effectively.

Passive people don’t state their opinions at all. Aggressive people attack or ignore others’ opinions in favor of their own. Assertive people state their opinions, while still being respectful of others.

Passive Behavior: You’re okay, I’m not
Aggressive Behavior: I’m okay, you’re not
Assertive Behavior: I’m okay, you’re okay

No throwing in the towel. No getting angry or passive aggressive. Simply knowing what you deserve, asking for it clearly and respectfully, and expecting to get it. Assertiveness allows us to take care of ourselves, and is fundamental for good mental health and healthy relationships.

This is no time to ignore red flags, get bullied or be naive. It is entirely possible to be a kind person and protect yourself at the same time.

5. Put the Kids at the Center

The number one concern most SAHM’s have is how divorce will impact their children. Most of my clients have stayed well past the expiration date of their marriage thinking they were doing the best thing for their kids.

Once you make the decision to divorce and have had the hard conversation with your partner, telling your children comes next. The best choice is to tell them together and stick to the same story. No details, but be honest. Tell them that you are divorcing – don’t give them false hope about it being something temporary. Use the word “when” not the word “if”. Answer any questions they have in an age appropriate manner. Most important, give them some idea of how things might work in terms of living arrangements. Especially for older kids, that is usually a top concern.

Allow them to feel whatever they are feeling and get them their own support if necessary. Be strong, but it’s also OK for them to know that this isn’t easy for you either.

The #1 thing you can do to help your children through this transition period is to refrain from oversharing or making derogatory comments about their other parent. Take the high road here – your children will reap the benefits.

6. Co-Parenting is Forever

Although this is last on the list, it is probably the most important thing to keep in mind. I have heard it said that, when done right, divorce is simply a family reorganization. You are still a family. Your children still have 2 parents that love and care for them. It just looks a little different than it used to.

When done right, divorce is simply a family reorganization.

Divorce ends the legal marriage contract, but doesn’t end the parenting relationship you will share. For years to come there will be lots of communication about pick-ups, drop-offs, schedule changes, homework, doctor appointments, sporting events, school, finances and more.

When making decisions during divorce, think ahead to how you want to feel in 10 years when your child graduates or gets married. Do you want to be living the horror story of exes who can’t be civil or stand to be in the same room or do you want to be able to stand together with your child as parents who love them, but love them from separate places.

I’m not saying you have to aim to be that family that continues to share Christmas or vacations together, but you can set a goal to be respectful. To love your child well means to allow them to love their other parent without feeling guilty that it’s hurting you.

A Note for Those with High Conflict Spouses

If you are experiencing abuse, please get help immediately by calling the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Once you announce your decision to divorce, even the mildest mannered partner can become someone you don’t recognize. The rug has been pulled out from under them. You may have been thinking about divorce for years now, but it is new to them. Give them some time to get on the same page. The more you can find ways to continue to see your partner as a human having a hard time, the better you will be able to communicate and negotiate.

If you find that they are emotionally, verbally or financially abusive, detach as best you can and get support from your team. A high conflict person enjoys nothing more than getting a reaction out of you. Keep any necessary communications BIFF – brief, informative, friendly, and firm.

You’re Not Alone – Schedule a Complimentary Consultation

Wrestling with this decision can feel lonely and overwhelming. But you don’t have to do it scared and alone. Divorce coaching is a relatively new profession, but clients find that having personal, professional divorce support gives them peace of mind and better outcomes. Click the button for direct access to my calendar and let’s chat about how coaching might be just what you need to get unstuck. I’ll answer any questions you have and we’ll see if we’re a good fit to work together.

Schedule Your Complimentary Consultation Now

 

Wishing you strength and wisdom,